American Chimpanzee

This Just In! In a secret prison letter to Madonna, Tupac Shakur revealed why he broke up with her! "You be old, bee-YOTCH!"   This Just In! North Korea successfully tests ICBM! North Korean Scientists now plan to aim one toward their greatest threat: Kim Jong-un!   North Korea: "Our father who art in Heaven, Kim Jong-un be thy name... we WISH!" (You see, that would mean he's dead.) (Um, nevermind.)   Autopsy shows drugs in Star War's Carrie Fisher's system when she died. Let this be a lesson, kids: Cocaine DOES NOT make you thin.   China censors gay kiss in Alien Covenant because it reminds President Xi Jinping too much of his relationship with North Korea's Kim Jong-un.   This Just In! Johnny Depp calls for the assassination of the president! Too bad he doesn't call for a bath. Pee- yew!   Despite his "joke" about assassinating the president, Johnny Depp clarifies he would never kill Trump...

Princess Leia: "Help me, L Ron Hubbard. You're my only hope."   Game of Thetans: "A Scientologist always pays his debts."   Game of Thetans: "Winter is clearing."   Knock, knock! "Who's there?" Lord Xenu! "Lord Xenu who?" Puny humans! BOW before the majesty that is Lord Xenu!   Scientology Affirmations: An Engram saved is an Engram earned.   Scientology Affirmations: Four score and seven trillion years ago, our fathers brought forth Dianetics.   Scientology Affirmations: I never met an Operating Thetan I didn't like.   Scientology Affirmations: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're Fair Game.   Scientology Affirmations: Our Father, who art in Heaven, L Ron Hubbard be thy name.   Scientology Affirmations: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled Thetans yearning to be free.   Scientology Affirmations: L Ron Hubbard is my shepherd. I shal...

Can Republicans repeal and replace ObamaCare? "We can't do shit," admits Mitch McConnell, talking about the clogged toilet that is Congress.     This Just In! OJ Simpson! Pardoned! After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ. "I know, man. That's why the first thing I want to do is hook up with my old friend Bill Cosby and pick up chicks."     This Just In! OJ Simpson! Pardoned! After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ. "I know, man. Now that I'm out, the only thing I want to see before I die is a black man elected president."   This Just In! John McCain! Has brain cancer! "Well, that certainly changes my position on legalizing marijuana."     This Just In! John McCain! Has brain cancer! "Well, I guess I won't be able to punch my interns any more."     This Just In! John McCain! Has brain cancer! "This makes me w...

10) Be the Double Dutch equipment manager.   9) Earn extra cash working part-time for the police department roping off crime scenes.   8) Sail with Jacque Cousteau to check ocean water depths.   7) Charge hikers who want to rappel down a cliff.   6) Teach a cowboy rope tricks.   5) Help Lassie save little Timmy from the well.   4) Fake garden snake to scare away scavenging birds.   3) Become Wonder Woman's favorite magic lasso.   2) Help Indiana Jones escape a giant rolling boulder.   1) In a pinch, The Flying Wallendas can secure it across two buildings and use it in their high-wire act.   0) On any 9-11 anniversary, it can stand-in for either of the ones.   -1) Arresting wire for a jet landing on an Aircraft Carrier.   -2) What do you think Tarzan uses to swing from tree to tree?   -3) Satisfy a dozen porno actresses. At the same time.   -4) Whip his sad, sorry-excuse of a son-in-law into submission. ...

When it comes to the supernatural, I'm a skeptic.      Ghosts? Bah!      Vampires? Feh!      Demonic possessions?      Well... that one's true. I've been divorced enough times to know what I'm talking about.      But there has always been something plausible about space aliens. If the universe is infinite, with an infinite number of planets orbiting an infinite number of suns, why wouldn’t a few contain intelligent life?      On the other hand, explain Donald Trump.      In July of 1947, an alien spacecraft is said to have crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. If there's one thing you can be sure of, my mother-in-law was probably driving.      The incident was purportedly covered up by government agents so inept they're now in charge of the TSA. The entire country was immediately abuzz with the question, "Why does 'purportedly' sound like one of Sarah ...