American Chimpanzee

It's Not Too Late!   There's Still Time To Win An All-Expenses Paid Super Bowl Super Vacation!          Not only will you win 1st class air travel to and from New Orleans for the Super Bowl, but you will also receive a five day/four night stay at a luxury 5-star hotel, $5,000.00 in spending cash, and the prostitute of your choice!      Tickets on the 50-yard line? Forget about it! You will be the personal guest of either the Baltimore Ravens or the San Francisco 49ers--Your Choice!--where you'll sit in the owner's box with full access to the VIP area where the REALLY good-looking prostitutes are kept.      After the game, you will join the winning coach--either John Harbaugh or his brother Jim Harbaugh--for a well-earned soak in a jacuzzi with--no, not hookers, but--a gaggle of giggling football groupies!      Aren't you glad the Cowboys crapped out? ...

An @Jim Duchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! He pees in mop buckets, eggs neighbor's house, and cries when arrested. Next up: Starring role in Diary of a Wimpy Kid remake.    An @Jim Duchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Who was that mystery model he was with? And how big is the size of her penis?    An @ JimDuchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! For a DUI! During the urine test a confused Bieber wonders, ''Where's the mop bucket?"    An @ JimDuchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! During the breath test, when ordered to blow, Bieber said, ''All right, guys. Line up."          An @ JimDuchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Bieber looked flushed, was in a stupor, smelled of alcohol, and incoherent. Like usual.          An @ JimDuchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! The Wolf of Wall Street :...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!     Dear John,      I have been divorced for five years and have five children, ranging in ages from 8 to 23. When I was having trouble with my middle son, "Logan," I found help from his godfather, "Carl." I hadn't seen Carl in years. He was my ex's best friend when Logan was born.      Long story short, Carl and I have been in a committed relationship for two years now. He has been more a part of our lives than my ex has. Four of my kids love Carl, and he is very involved in their lives. Logan, however, hates him and throws a fit if his name is even mentioned. I have explained to him that I didn't intend for this to happen, but Logan feels I took his godfather away from him. Carl is still there for him, but Logan will have none of it and refuses to listen.      Carl and I mainly spend time together on the weekends when we don't have our kids, o...

Things are tough in the newspaper business these days.      Ford tough.      With Obamacare going down faster than Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office and taxes being raised more often than Miley Cyrus' twerking hiney, even the San Antonio Express-News is feeling the pinch, and, like every other business, is looking for new ways to bring in additional revenue.      Our editor and senior vice-president, Mike Leary, called a few of us in to let us know just how tough things were.      We--Gilbert Garcia, Roy Bragg, Brian Chasnoff, and myself--were informed that we were going to have to take a page from the entertainment industry and incorporate product placement into our columns and news stories, much like when an actor in a movie is seen smoking a particular brand of cigarette or a rapper naming a particular variety of pot.      Gilbert Garcia, chewing on a delicious rolled ...

My ex thinks I'm condescending, but she's wrong. My ex thinks I'm condescending, but she's wrong. All I do is dumb things down to a level she can comprehend.     I haven't seen Lone Survivor yet, so don't spoil the ending by telling me if anyone dies.          Steven Seagal may run for governor of Arizona. It's a reboot of the movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and the state of California.          Clay Aiken may run for Congress in North Carolina. ''Hmm, ANOTHER contest for me to place second in,'' he croons, gawkily.          Note to Shia LaBeouf: If you plagiarize a FAMOUS graphic novelist, you can call it an homage.          With 5O6, The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for most F-bombs in a movie. ON a movie set, that honor still belongs to Christian Bale      ...