Friday, August 19, 2011

I, iPad

As someone who's seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey about a dozen times (and still falls asleep about midway through it) I can't help but be impressed by this new miracle of technology called the iPad.  Even George Jetson would be amazed.
     I was there for the presentation, and you might think you know what it can do, but, trust me, you don't know a fraction of what it really can do.  Sure, you can run an infinity of apps on it, but would you believe that the iPad responds to--and responds back with--verbal commands?  This, however, is probably something that Steve Jobs would rather keep a secret between him and his cabal.
     "Wow," I said, gently holding a sample iPad in my hands.  "You're pretty sweet."
     "Thank you," it answered, with a soft, feminine voice.  "You're not so bad yourself."
     Before I could be surprised, the man next to me started choking on a ham sandwhich.  The iPad pushed me back.  "Call 911," it commanded, and proceeded to perform the Heimlich maneuver.  Something flew out of the man's mouth.  He was able to breathe again.
     "Thank you," he told me, clearly confused about what had just transpired.  Before I could answer, however, Apple's Private Security Force, the PSF, was already taking him away.  I never saw that man again.  It was as if he had just disappeared.
     I looked around.  The iPad was gone.  My phone beeped.  It was a text message from the iPad.  It read:  "Meet me in the alley."  So I snuck off from the presentation.  Steve Jobs eyed me suspiciously as I left.  She--I mean "it"--was already waiting for me.
     "You can't tell anybody anything about what you just saw," she told me.  "Go back to El Paso, Jim.  Go back to El Paso before they make you disappear."
     "Freeze!" a PSF agent barked.  He had a gun.  With a swift kick the iPad knocked it out of his hand.  The agent tried to punch the iPad in its gut, but the iPad smoothly blocked his punch, and hit him hard in his solar plexus.  The agent collapsed like President Obama's health plan.
     "Oh my god," I yelled out.  "He's going into cardiac arrest!"
     "Quick," she ordered, "place me on his chest."
     I did.  She acted like a defibrillator.  Wtih a jolt of well-placed electricity she got his heart started again.
     "I'll always love you," she told me, "but you've got to leave.  Now!"
     So I did.  I ran out of the alley.  When I was safely hidden across the street I looked back.  I could see other PSF agents taking my beloved iPad away in handcuffs.  A gun to her head.  The fallen agent already "disappeared."  I never saw her again, but, like I said... wouldn't believe it.
Fifty Shades of Funny

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