Sunday, April 29, 2012

Et Tu, Bully?

My wife wanted to take my 11 year-old daughter to see the documentary Bully.  It's about a kid, or kids, getting picked on by other kids.
     "Over my dead body," I told her.  There was no room for debate in the tone of my voice.
     "But why?" she asked.  She knew I was serious, but she thought that maybe she could change my mind.  "It's supposed to be a good movie."
     "In the first place," I explained, I'm not Michael Corleone, after all.  "In the first place, it's not a movie, it's a documentary, and I'm not in the mood to take a nap.  In the second place, I don't want my little girl to see a documentary about losers."
     I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking I'm being harsh, that I'm a jerk.  Or worse.  But hear me out.  I've seen the trailers for it.  Some poor kid who looks different than the rest of the kids is being picked on, hit, and shunned.  But it's the rest of the world that has to change!
     I'm sorry, but I don't agree to that.  I believe the individual should adapt to the world he's in, and not expect the world to adapt to him.  Why? you ask.  Isn't the world changing to accommodate the individual the politically correct thing to do?
     Well, my friend, let me give you a bit of advice.  When you're in some kid of bullying situation, whether its in pubic school or prison, the general consensus has always been to go up to the biggest, baddest bully in the place... and punch him in the face.  That way, supposedly, you'll gain the respect of the bully and all of his bully friends.
     That's bullshit, man. 
     In the first place, the bully will just shake it off.  In the second place, the bully will then kick your ass.  And then he'll continue to kick your ass.  And then all of his friends will kick your ass.  This is because you've just put yourself in their crosshairs.  Before you punched that bully, they didn't even know you were alive.  Now they know you're alive, and, not only that, you've put yourself on their "to-do" list.  Thirdly, before you punched that bully, one other thing they didn't know was whether they could beat you up or not.  Now they know, dipshit. 
     MY advice would be, in front of the bullies, go up to the smallest, most beat-up-able guy--preferably one who's handicapped--and beat the shit out of HIM!  That way, the bullies will accept you as one of their own, and you can go around terrorizing whatever institution you're in.  Besides the satisfaction you'll get from being feared, being feared is also an easy way to get some extra cash.
     The first rule of being a bully:  Bullies don't pick on other bullies.  Why would they want to work that hard, and maybe, just maybe, lose the fight and their status in the pack?
     Some say bullies are cowards.  That's why they travel in packs, and prey on the weak.  I say, "So what?"  When you find yourself in the middle of a riot...  join the rioters.
     I remember back in 1992, during the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles, I was driving behind Reginald Denny.  We were both driving tractor-trailers, on our way to make a delivery.  As the liquor store on the corner of Florence and Normandie was being looted, and white passerbys were taking advantage of their constitutional right to escape a barrage of rocks and bottles, Denny stopped his big rig to avoid running over someone.
     Big mistake.
     "Reggie!" I yelled.  "What are you doing?"
     In horror, I saw my friend being dragged out from his cab, and being beaten nearly to death by a handful of angry black rioters.  The attack unfolded on live TV. 
     One man, Damian Williams, threw a brick against Reginald's skull.  Another man, Henry Keith Watson, added insult to injury by stepping on Reginald's freshly injured head. 
     And what did I do?  I got out of my truck...
     ...and joined the rioters!  I put my hands in the air, and I waved them like I just didn't care.  I ran around and screamed and yelled like an idiot.  I forced my way past the crowd into the liquor store, and retrieved a few bottles of Jack Daniels.  And some Doritos.* 
     Don't judge me.  I was in fear for my life. 
     And that was the day, my friends, I learned a crucial fact about life:  If everyone's a bully, then there are no longer any bullies.
     You're welcome, America.

Fifty Shades of Funny

*Who knew rioting made you so hungry?

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