Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Jeffrey Dahmer Show!

Sofia Vergara, the beautiful and sexy--if I'm allowed to express that opinion (These are confusing times we live in, my friend.  You can hire a woman because she's drop-dead gorgeous, but you're not suppose to acknowledge it in any way.  Just ask Ines Sainz.)--actress from the hit TV sitcom Modern Family was recently quoted in USA Weekend, a magazine supplement in the Sunday edition of the El Paso Times, that she thought "times have changed, and it's so great that people have accepted (diversity), and it shows that as a family you have to learn to respect and tolerate each other."
     On the other hand, Dr. Laura Schlessinger--the hideous (my opinion), humorless (my opinion), and probably great in bed--would disagree.  Dr. Laura may be an allegedly evil harridan, but on her soon-to-be-no-more radio program she has often articulated the opinion that it is moral and, indeed, even critical to stand in judgement of your fellow man and wo-man.
     Where do I stand on this issue?  Why, I stand on the side of mucho dinero, my friend.  If it can make me a buck, then it's all right with me.  That's why I love these non-judgemental times we live in.  And that is why I've come up with an idea for a sure-fire hit sitcom, coming soon, I'm sure, to a TV channel near you.  I call it:  That Darn Dahmer!  A family comedy where that lovable goof-ball, Jeffrey Dahmer, keeps eating the guests his other family members bring over.  Hollywood--and Sophia Vergara--will love it.
     Here's a sample of the witty dialogue I've come up with:
     "Jeffrey, do you know my new boyfriend?" his brother might ask.
     "Know him?  I just had him for dinner!"
     Cue the laugh track, and, remember, you're not supposed to judge.
     Another family member might inquire:  "Jeffrey, have you seen Uncle Paul?"
     "Seen him?  I've just had him for dinner!"
     "Oh, Jeffrey...  I told you to MAKE him dinner, not make HIM dinner."
     Cue the Hurricane Katrina of levee-bursting laughter, and, don't forget, if you judge you'll be as allegedly evil as Dr. Laura.
     The single mother next door, who leaves her newborn baby alone while she works nights as a stripper ("It's okay, a little  Jose Cuervo goes a long way."), might come by one morning for a beer.
     "Jeffrey, have you seen my new baby?" she'll innocently ask him, as she's slipping his wallet out of his back pocket.
     "Seen him..."
     Oh, I'm laughing so hard that I can't even finish the line.  (And remember, only allegedly evil people judge.  Like Dr. Laura.)
      Another idea for a sitcom I'm toying with is based on the wacky life of John Wayne Gacey.  The kindly neighbor next door.  A gentle man whose only joy in life is bringing laughter to the hearts of young boys.  Just before he kills them.
     Hollywood will love it!

Fifty Shades of Funny

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