Friday, April 20, 2012

From The Offices Of...

From:  The Office of Charles Edgren, Editorial Page Editor of the El Paso Times
To:  Robert Moore

     As per your request, I looked into Dear Abby and Hints From Heloise, and I strongly advise against including them in our fine newspaper.  Using my superior investigative reporting abilities, I was able to uncover that "Dear" and "Abby" are not the advise comumnist's first and last name, respectively.  Her name is actually "Abigail Van Buren," and she does not now, nor has she ever existed.  As for Heloise, she died years ago.  I don't know what they're up to, or if they're part of the George Zimmerman/Secret Service Prostitution conspiracy, but I'm determined to find out.  Also, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough on Mr. Clean.  Response?

From:  The Office of Robert Moore, Editor of the El Paso Times
To: Mallard Fillmore

     It's come to my attention that you, sir, are a duck.  That still doesn't excuse you from fabricating a quote and attributing it to President Obama.  For example, in one cartoon you have Obama say:  "Look on the bright side!  Your old car could be worth more now than the day you bought it...  if it has a full tank of gas."  Henceforth, because of these obvious untruths, we shall no longer be featuring your cartoon strip.  What do you mean you'll sue?  Well, Mister Duck, not only are you on probation, but you're on double-secret probation.

From:  The Office of Joe Muench, Editorial Page Writer for the El Paso Times
To:  Walt Disney

     Can you please explain to me why all the animals in your cartoon universe can talk?  All animals, that is, except for Mickey Mouse's dog, Pluto?  Even Goofy, who I can only guess is a dog, can talk.  I expect a quick reply, Mr. Disney.  Being dead is no excuse.

From:  Robert Moore
To:  Celia Rivenbark

     What is up with your last name?  Did you mean to spell "Riverbark," which would make more sense, as there is no such thing as a "riven"?  In which case, I would remind you that rivers do not bark, as a dog does, nor does a river have bark, as a tree does.  Or perhaps you meant Ravenbark, which again would make more sense, but again I would feel obligated to point out that, like rivers, ravens do not bark.  I'm not even sure if they tweet. 
     Please get back to me on this immediately, and explain the above paragraph to me.  (F.Y.I.  You continue to mispell your first name.  It should be Cecilia, not Celia.  Is the economy so bad that you can't afford an extra "c" and "i"?)

From:  Charles Edgren
To:  Mike Doonesbury

     You keep quoting various political figures, up to and including President Obama, but, try as I might, I cannot confirm any of these quotes, and, believe me, I've tried.  I've even used Google.  It's as if you've made them up for your own humorous purposes to make a greater point.  In the future, I will need you to send me the sources of your quotes, as well as any cheesecake photos of your hot Asian wife.

From:  Robert Moore
To:  Pittle

     Per your request, I did look at the comic page of our newspaper, and you are correct; there are several instances of animals talking.  Besides being against the laws of God and nature, it is also untrue.  We shall investigate immediately.

From:  Joe Muench
To:  Edmund Morris

It's come to our attention here at the El Paso Times that you inserted yourself as a fictional character in your biography of President Ronald Reagan (Dutch:  A Memoir of Ronald Reagan).  Care to comment?  What do you mean you it was published in 1999?  Nevermind.

From:  Charles Edgren
To:  Forest Gump

     I find it hard to believe that one man could be the focal point in so many pivotal moments in history.  We've got our eye on you, Mr. Gump.

From:  The Office of Ramon Renteria, Reporter for the El Paso Times
To:  Forest Gump

     Can you send me Bubba's recipe for gilled shrimp & chicken, por favor?  I'm having a barbacoa this weekend.  Gracias.

From:  Joe Muench
To:  Vince McMann, Head Hookah of the WWE, Inc.

     C'mon, be honest.  Wrestling's fake, right?  You can trust me.

From:  Ramon Renteria
To:  Celia Rivenbark

     I used your cooking recommendation in your column we printed in Wednesday's El Paso Times, 4-4-12.  It was your column on "pink slime," and you said:  "I like to take a fresh chicken and soak it in a bucket of clorox right before I cook it, don't you?" 
     You ruined my barbacoa.  I'll see you in court!

From:  The Office of Jim Duchene, Humor Columnist
To:  Constant Reader

     The above is a work of satirical fiction, and is meant for entertainment purposes only.  It should not be taken seriously by anyone for any reason at any time.

Fifty Shades of Funny

No comments:

Post a Comment