Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Today's News (3-12-13)

Well, as I've already told you, I took advantage of the Vatican's early voting to cast my vote for the next Pope of the Holy Catholic Church. I voted for President Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. I know it sounds crazy, especially since he's not even Catholic, but I think he'd make a fine Pontiff.
     When you think about it, it's not so far-fetched. He was elected to the Senate of the United States without actually having done anything. And then he was elected President of the United States without actually having done anything. And then he was immediately awarded the Nobel Peace Prize without actually having done anything. And, most recently, Time magazine voted him their Man of the Year without his actually having done anything.
     Pope Obama the First! Kind of has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
     Interestingly enough, having to divorce his wife, since the Pope isn't allowed to be married, wasn't the deal-breaker I thought it would be.
     "Can I still smoke?" he asked me.
     "Yes," I told him.
     "Then tell Michelle I went out for a pack of cigarettes."

     Barnes & Noble are cancelling the rest of Michael "The Dog Killing Football Player" Vick's book signings. It just goes to show how much people love dogs.
     You can be O.J. Simpson, and practically decapitate your wife and murder her lover. Allegedly, of course. You can be Michael Jackson and allegedly molest little boys. Allegedly, of course. You can even be Chris Brown and beat your girlfriend like she's Rodney King and you're the L.A.P.D., but killing a dog will get you death threats.
     Allegedly, of course.

     The price of gas is going up, the economy is still in the toilet, Obama's supposedly taking away all of our rights, and our own military can kill you with a drone attack if you even look at them the wrong way. But what's the one thing Americans are getting upset over? New York City's Mayor Bloomberg limiting the size of their soft drinks.
     I guess all the problems of the world have been solved.

     Did you know that more people have gotten married from participating in the reality show The Biggest Loser than from The Bachelor? It's true. If you ask me, Sean, the latest bachelor, is the biggest loser. He's spent the last two years of his life taking part in The Bachelor. Now he's a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. And after that they'll be televising his wedding.
     What happens when all of his television appearances come to an end, and his wife realizes she's married to a guy with no income, with no job, and who spends all his time at the gym?
     She should have married the president of ABC. He's the guy who actually paid for everything.

     And don't get me started on Justin Bieber. He's been caught smoking dope (you are what you ingest, I guess). He's been filmed "playfully" slapping his employees in the face (you know, the employees who can't hit him back because they'd lose their jobs). He's been held back from getting into fights with the paparazzi by the huge bodyguards who would do the actual fighting for him. He spends more time with his shirt off than Helen Hunt in The Sessions. He wears his pants 90's-style, with them hanging so far below his butt he'd win Miss Congeniality at the prison of his choice. He's barely 20 years-old, and he's fainting onstage and can't breathe. What is up with this guy?
     He's forgotten that it's the parents who are taking their little girls to his concerts, so when he shows up 2 hours late and keeps grabbing his crotch, well, no wonder nobody's buying tickets to his concerts anymore. The parents have to go to work the next day, and their little girls have school.
     Two hours late?
     Ain't nobody got time for that!

American Chimpanzee

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