Monday, May 6, 2013

20 Signs Your Marriage Isn't Working Out

1) You've been happily married for five years. She's only been happily married for two.
2) President Obama didn't offer the furloughed air traffic controllers money to get back to work, he   offered them your wife.
3) Your "His" and "Hers" towels now say "I'm With Stupid."
4) She reports you to the police for tearing off the "Under Penalty of Law/Do Not Remove" tag from  your mattress.
5) She taped over your wedding video with Ron Jeremy's greatest hits.
6) She goes outside "for a smoke," and comes back smelling like your best friend's cologne.
7) She tells you, "Why can't you be more like your dad?" while you're at your dad's funeral.
8) She assures you that auto-erotic asphyxiation is a perfectly safe alternative to a healthy sex life.
9) If you fall asleep in the car on the trip home, she's nice enough to let you sleep. In the garage. With the car still running.
10) She always tells people, "My first husband died," and you're her first husband.
11) When you ask her, "Honey, if I were to die, would you ever re-marry?" she says, "Why don't we find out?"
12) She keeps wanting to find out if your face will leave an impression in a frying pan "just like the cartoons."
13) Gives you an "I Hate Muslims" t-shirt for Christmas.
14) She bakes you a pie using a recipe she got from The Help.
15) Takes you target shooting... and you're the target!
16) When you tell her, "Can you imagine if you and I never met?" she says, "Yes, I can."
17) In a hotel, she's always quick to hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door... BEFORE you have a chance to enter the room.
18) When you go skydiving, she tells you, "Real men don't need parachutes."
19) On your vacation to Palestine, she tells everyone you're Jewish.
20) She never cleans all that nasty, black hair that collects around the shower drain.
You're both blonde.

American Chimpanzee

No comments:

Post a Comment