Saturday, May 11, 2013

A Town Of Desperadoes (Part One)

Not since the Civil War have conflicting beliefs torn families and friendships apart, pitting brother against brother in battle.
     "Should the slaves be freed?"
     "Can the states secede from the Union?"
     "Will El Paso have Triple-A baseball?"
     The answer, my fellow El Pasoans, is YES! Well, except for that second question there.
     Hearts were broken, voters were ignored, and a perfectly good City Hall building was torn down, but the movers and shakers of our fine city got their way and were successful in bringing to our town a sport that nobody wanted.
     I don't blame the powers-that-be for ignoring the voters of El Paso. There's a guy I work with who claims that aliens abduct him every Friday and Saturday night (at least that's what he tells his wife), and HE votes. Every election. But now, El Pasoans will finally have a chance to have their voices heard. We will finally be able to vote... for the name of the Triple-A baseball team. Thank you, powers-that-be. Thank you for being so good to us.
     "We want all El Pasoans to vote," the team owners said, "so they feel like they have a voice. And then we'll just do what we want like we always do. You know, like our City Council."
     They were of course referring to El Paso's first honorary gay Mayor, who, along with the City Council, overturned the voter's will by giving city benefits to non-married straight and gay couples. Personally, I think the brave thing to have done would have been to first legalize gay marriage, and then granting them benefits.
     You see, I'm for granting non-married couples benefits, because if I had to pay for my vieja's health insurance, I wouldn't be able to afford my iPhone.
     As for gay marriage, I'm for that, too. I see gay marriage as a boon to the economy. Can you imagine how much money they'll spend on their weddings alone? My daughter's wedding dress--a dress, I might remind you, that she'll only wear once--cost me fifty THOUSAND dollars. Can you imagine having to buy two of those suckers? On a national level, it would be a way to increase tax revenue without raising taxes. How? you might ask. Well, by the time those married gay couples find out there's an IRS marriage penalty, it'll be too late.
     Be careful what you wish for, my friends. Be careful what you wish for.
     I have a few suggestions for the name of our new baseball team. Inspiration comes in many forms. From a muse, from a light bulb going off above your head, and sometimes from the front page of the El Paso Times. Mine comes from an empty wallet.
     "What'll I win?"
     "That's right."
     "How about a free parking space if I win?"
     "The new hundred million dollar stadium isn't going to have any parking."
     "Where will the baseball fans park?"
     "That's their problem."
     At first I thought about names like The Yellow Jackets, The Black Widows, The Red Robins, The Buster Browns, but then I was told names that had a color in them that match the skin pigment of a particular race was racist, and would be immediately take off the Associated Press list of words that won't be used.
     The Republicans? Even though we're a city that votes blue in a red state, I thought we might be able to convince the party in power in Austin to send us more money by naming our baseball team after them.
     Maybe we could call the team The Bad Choices. Even when we get the party right, we still back the losing candidate. Like when we supported Hilary Clinton in her bid for a presidency that Barack Obama eventually won.
     The Ostriches? Every election* El Paso voters bury their heads in the sand and vote the usual suspects back into office. Same people, same problems. Maybe, along the same line, we could name the team The Alzheimers. Our motto could be: "We NEVER remember. We ALWAYS forget."
     The Red-Headed Step-Childs. Because that's the way we're treated by the rest of Texas.
     The Bridesmaids. As in, we're "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."
     We could call the team The Blind Dates or The Nice Personalities, because every time we turn around our fair city always seems to be voted fattest this, ugliest that, or sweatiest the other.
     The Sand Surfers? We can use the name of our baseball team to trick tourists into thinking we're by a beach near an ocean. "Just Add Water," can be our motto.
     The Terminators? This name is inspired by our City Council's ability to terminate votes and enact whatever legislation they want without fear of their own positions being terminated.
     The Gauchos? I'm partial to this one only because I like the border saying, "Que gaucho."
     The Chaps? That should attract baseball fans from San Francisco.
     The Unwanted. Because that's what El Paso is. Unwanted. By Texas. By New Mexico. We're only wanted by the United Sates because they think we're part of Mexico.
     I think the best name for El Paso's new Triple-A baseball team should be The Desperadoes. Not because I can make a joke about it, but because I think it's a good description of El Paso and El Pasoans. We're a town of desperadoes, of outlaws. We do things our own way, even if it means we get a baseball team we don't want. We complain that there's nothing to do here, and then don't support something when it does show up.
     We love this town, but it's a dysfunctional kind of love.
     But it's love, nonetheless.

American Chimpanzee
*Speaking of elections, I'm constantly asked what's happened to my campaign for El Paso Mayor.
Well, my friends, I'm still in the fund raising stage of my campaign. Trust me, when election day gets close enough, you're going to see me run for it faster than Monica Lewinski running after a donut rolling downhill.
What? What do you mean the election's today? TODAY?
Man, what am I going to do with all that money I raised?

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