Saturday, March 3, 2012

The Confirmation Of Elena Kagan

"Thank you, Miss Kagan, for your honesty during this hearing, and let me remind you that you are still under oath."
     "Thank you, senator."
     "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it is Miss Kagan, is it not?  You are not currently married, are you?  To a man, that is."
     "No, I am not, senator, but I don't see how my personal life is relevant here.  I'd much rather talk about my stand on the abortion issue."
     "I'll decide what's relevant, Miss Kagan.  I'm looking at a picture of you, ah, playing softball.  Are you now, or have you ever been a 'softball' player?" 
     "I don't recall, senator.  If pressed, I would have to say that I am not."
     "I see, I see.  Well, do you recall what kind of women play softball?"
     "I would say that ahtletic women play softball, senator."
     "Athletic women?  Is that some kind of code?  Are you an athletic woman?"
     "No, I am not.  I am not athletic, nor am I a softball player."
     "I see, I see.  Do you own any flannel shirts, Miss Kagan?  Or Birkenstock sandals, for that matter?  By the way, that's quite a handsome hairstyle you're wearing."
     "Thank you, senator...  I think."
     "It's quite butch, is it not?"
     "That is the correct slang, is it not?  Butch?  Let me rephrase the question:  You wear your hair short, don't you?  Much like a man.  Or a...  softball player!"
     "I am no longer the young girl I once was, senator.  It wouldn't become me to wear my hair as if I were.  And, as for my being a softball player, let me assure you, once and for all, that I am not."
     "With a haircut like that I'm sure it would make it easier to, ah, 'play softball,' eh, Miss Kagan?  But no matter, no matter.  Tell me what you think about Rosie O'Donnell."
     "Rosie O'Donnell?  Wouldn't you rather know about my years as a White House lawyer and domestic policy advisor to former President Bill Clinton?  Or what I think about our country's war on terror?  Or why I barred military recruiters from the Harvard career services offices over the prohibition on openly gay soldiers?"
     "Did you just say 'gay'?  Well, since you opened the door, let me cut to the chase.  Who you are in your private life doesn't interest me.  What does interest me is whether or not a nominee to the Supreme Court is hiding an aspect of her life that she should, in fact, be open about.  Now is the time to take a stand.  To change the world.  To end this living in shame and fear.  What shall it be, Miss Kagan?  Will you stand up for what is right, or, for selfish reasons and personal ambitions, will you let history pass you by and spend the rest of your life living with the regret of having let prejudice and injustice stand?"
     "You're right, senator, you are so right.  It is time.  It's finally time for me to come out of my closet and admit to you and to the world that I am...
     "...I am a softball player!"
Fifty Shades of Funny

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