Somehow, I feel obligated to make this particular posting special in some way. Special for you, and special for me.
That is why I've decided to use this platform to announce that I'm running for President of the United States of America. I had made this decision months ago, after much begging from various members of Congress, the Republican Party, and the Illuminati, which, for the record, doesn't exist.
"But I'm not a member of the Masons," I told them.
"It doesn't matter," they said.
"I was never in the Skull & Bones," I continued, in the interest of full disclosure.
"Pish, posh," they assured me, and began making rude noises with their lips.
To my wife I said, "I've asked God not to do this, but He didn't listen to me."
"Yeah, well, I've got a headache," my wife said, "so I'm not listening to you either."
What are my qualifications? you might ask. Well, I don't mean to brag, but, first and foremost, I am not George Bush. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for in life, not being George Bush is one of them.
Not being George Bush gives me a strategic advantage. President Obama, or B.O. as we used to call him in the jungles of Mai Swine, can't run on the past. He'll have to run on the future. A future which doesn't include him as president.
But, Jim, you say. Isn't he your friend? Won't you be stealing the presidency from him? And what's up with all these italics?
Well, as my dear old pappy used to say, if you're going to steal, steal from a friend. They're least likely to put you in jail.
My qualifications are as follows: Isaac Asimov--a close, personal friend of mine who, sadly, died back in... in... well, I can't remember when he died, but I'm sure he's dead, because he's never tried to collect that money I owe him. Anyway...--Isaac Asimov and myself once had a contest to see who could write the most books, and, as a result, we've written well over 500 books together.
When it comes to political experience, Obama only has 143 days more in the Senate than I do.
In the 1984 presidential election between Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale, I was 13 electoral votes away from coming in second
And, finally, I'm a minority. That should count for something.
What will be my platform once I'm elected? Easy. First off, I'll make it a law that the primaries and caucuses (heh, heh) have to all be on the same day. Both the Democratic and Republican Parties will only be allowed 3 debates, and those will have to be broadcasted on QVC.
Secondly, I'll abolish the IRS by instituting a Consumption Tax instead of a Federal Income Tax. In the meantime, IRS audits will have to be done within two years of when the tax returns were filed. What will happen to those years we haven't gotten around to? We'll cut our losses, much like I had to do with my first four marriages. It took the IRS 14 years to get around to auditing Mark Farner of the great 70's rock band Grand Funk Railroad. Who keeps tax records for 14 years? I mean, besides Wall Street crooks.
Then I'll get rid of the electoral college, because, as I've recently discovered, it's not really a college at all. It's more of a trade school for the mentally unambitious. I'll install an election by popular vote, because that's what the majority of people seem to want anyway, and if there's one thing I've learned from my life in politics it's that you've got to kiss the majority's tuchus.
I'll reinstate the draft. Let's get rid of those jerk-hole kids, that is, unless they have rich parents. Do you know what reinstating the draft means? It means more young girls for us older guys. Do you know what it does for those jerky kids who wear pajama bottoms for pants? It gives them a job, a salary, and work experience that companies can ignore. Half of their salary will be kept in a special overseas account I have, and their funds will be returned to them once they leave the armed forces. That way they don't re-enter the private sector dead broke, like you. Another military rule I'll implement is that they won't be able to marry for the first four years of their hitch or as a private. Unless they're gay.
What will I do for the illegal immigrants? I'll bring back the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy from the Clinton Administration, except I'll call it Don't Get Caught/Don't Get Deported. Who else is going to do my lawn?
Will these almost-Americans have the rights and benefits that come with living in a great country such as ours? Heck no.
My stand on foreign aid? What's in it for me?
My stand on Israel? What have they done for me lately?
NO MORE PORK OR EARMARKS! I'll replace them with TERM LIMITS! I'm serious. We really mean it this time. Honest.
Give me the line-item veto! You did? Damn right you did.
No cuts. Instead I'll institute a government freeze. Growth will absorb waste. Useful government agencies will absorb worthless governement agencies, like Congress.
My abortion compromise is this: you can abort your unborn fetus, as long as you can do it without murdering the unborn baby snuggling comfortably in your belly.
On the day I'm sworn into office, I will declare the official language of the United States to be Swedish. In addition to that, all citizens of the United Sates will be required to change their underwear every half hour, and they'll have to wear said underwear on the outside, so that we can check. Futhermore, all 12 year-old boys will become 18 year-old boys.
I'm catholic. That's a special favor to my priest.
Fifty Shades of Funny