Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Sandra Fluke Testimony

Rush Limbo sure has sure gotten himself into a pile of the stuff he's full of. 
     I used to enjoy listening to Rush, and, the majority of the time, I even found myself agreeing with him, but I stopped listening when he started to become a pompous windbag.  The Hurricane Harry of political pundits, if you will. 
     But, I admit, I was curious about what set him off concerning this whole Sandra Fluke brouhaha.  Sandra Fluke is a Georgetown Law student and self-described Reproductive Rights Activist.  Georgetown, for those unfamiliar with this hallowed hall of education, is a catholic university. By catholic, I mean that you can commit any sin and be forgiven instantaneously with a quickly prayed Act of Contrition.  Miss Fluke was invited to speak before a congressional committee determining whether Simon Cowell made the right choice firing Paula Abdul from The X-Factor.
     Mr. Limbo, after listening to her testimony for, oh, about ten seconds, called Miss Fluke a "slut" on his nationally syndicated radio program.  He also said that she was looking for the American taxpayer to pay for her sex life, thus making her a prostitute, and that in the future she should at least have the decency to release any future sex videos to the public in general, and to Rush Limbo in particular.  I've seen Miss Fluke.  I don't think she should be releasing any sex videos.
     Another radio personality, the always pleasant Don Imus, crawled out of the primordial ooze he calls his studio, carefully secured "his precious," and said that if he were Rush Limbo's boss he would fire him.  Having said what he wanted to say to draw up some quick publicity for his failing radio program, he then slithered back into the dark muck to chuckle at the phrase "nappy-headed ho's."
     The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton came close to making a comment, but decided against it once they learned that Miss Fluke was not, in fact, African-American, and there was no way for them to "make a quick buck from whitey."
     So I requested a copy of the transcript of her testimony to Congress under the Freedom of Entitlements Act, and what you're about to read is an paraphrased version of it.  It begins...
     "Thank you, senators, for inviting me to speak on this important issue of free sex, and, by free sex, I'm not talking about the perks or favors you senators and congressmen receive from various lobbyists and interns.  What I am talking about is a woman's right to free contraception.  That, and an occassional good hair day as guaranteed to me by the Constitution.  Have you seen the price of hair care products, these days?  Of course you haven't.  You're men.
     "Since the time of Eve, who lead her bio-partner down the path of sin and sacrifice, men have always paid what they've had to pay for 'a bite of the apple,'  so to speak.  For an opportunity to 'fari vagnari a pizzu,' as a youthful Vito Corleone was told by the neighborhood mafioso Don Fannucci.  'A bit of the old in-out, in-out,' droogie Alex might have put it. 
     "We, as Americans in general, and as women in particular, are guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of a pregnancy-free one-night stand.  The question, as I see it, is this:  Quien paga?  Who pays?  If I had to pay for my own birth control, how would I be able to afford my new iPhone?  Do you know what it costs for a new iPhone, plus all the accompanying charges and fees?  Of course you don't.  You work for the government.
     "As I look at you here today in this historic chamber, I see nothing but men before me, much like that one party I was invited to by a Georgetown fraternity.  You tell me:  Quien benefito?  Who benefits?  The woman, who can have her child, and then leave it for her parents to raise and support, or you men, who will be absolved of any and all child support you would otherwise have to pay?  I think it's clear.  Men, as always, would benefit most from a woman being on birth control.  I mean, you don't actually think we enjoy sex, do you?  No, no, no...  we indulge your patheltic attempts at pleasing us only as a way to get the things we want, and what we want is free contraception.  And, I implore you, it has to be free, because, otherwise, how could I afford my morning double-cappucino at Starbucks?  Extra-foam does not come cheap. 
     "Come to think of it, energy and quality-of-life enhancers such as Starbucks and Red Bull should also be paid for by the U.S. government, because it improves my mood and starts me off to a productive day.  And, if you'll indulge me for a moment, senators, I also believe that women have a God-given right to free manicures, pedicures, make-up, full body massages, and abortions.  Did I mention shoes?  I meant to mention shoes.  Shoes. 
     All this should be available to us free of charge, because 1) we are women, and 2) how else would I be able to afford Spring Break in the Hawaiian Islands? 
     "Do you have any idea how much a decent purse costs these days?  Or the accompanying  jewelry and accessories?  Of course you don't, you're rich.  You come into politics poor, and you leave millionaires.  I've done the math. 
     "Finally, your highnesses, I know that free birth control will raise everybody's insurance premiums...  but that's a small price to pay for my happiness.
     "Thank you, gentlemen, and who's going to validate my parking?"
Fifty Shades of Funny

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