Saturday, March 3, 2012

Guilt Works! El Paso-Style!

Guilt Works. 
     Just ask your mother.  How else was she able to keep you in line for so many years? 
     That's why, when I was asked to speak before the new City Hall-convened group of 24 officials who make up the Strategic Communications Task Force, I pushed hard for El Paso to promote itself using guilt as its main selling point.
     "Guilt," I said in my best Gordon Gekko impersonation, "is good.  If we want to market El Paso to potential tourists and relocating businesses we need to market it using guilt."
     I was laughed out of the room.
     "We weren't laughing at you, Jim," Morris Pittle of El Paso's Two Ton Creativity told me later.  "We were laughing with you."
     I don't know.  It sure felt like they were laughing at me.  No matter.  They laughed at Dr. Frankenstein, too, and look at what he accomplished.  I mean, you know, for a fictional character.
     I'll take it to the people, I thought to myself.  Fight the power!  Stick it to the man!  Power to the people!  A stitch in time saves nine!
     So I leave it to you, my loyal readers.  Am I right?  Can guilt bring tourists, businesses, and, more importantly, their money to El Paso?  Read the following examples and let me know.  I enjoy hearing constructive criticism, as long as the constructive criticism is for someone else.

Come To El Paso!  Or You'll Make Your Mother Cry!
I don't know about you, but all my mother had to do was squeeze out a few tears and I was ready to renounce evil like Michael Corleone at the end of The Godfather.

Come To El Paso!  You Don't Want To Disappoint Your Father Again, Do You?
A lot of our successes in life come from trying to win our father's love and approval.  It never works.

Come To El Paso!  Or Your Wife Will Never Have Respect For You Ever Again!
That's assuming she ever had respect for you to begin with.

Come To El Paso!  It Was The Last Thing Your Parents Wanted Before They Died!
Since we have no way of knowing if this is actually true, I can safely assume that it probably is.

Come To El Paso!  Where No One Will Ever Find Out About That Thing You Did!  You Know What Thing I'm Talking About!
Of course you do.

Every Year 25,000 Dogs Are Abandoned And Euthanized!  See What Happens When You Don't Come To El Paso?
Cause and effect may not be in play here, but nothing gets those wallets opened faster than cute little furry animals.

Need Viagra?  Not In El Paso, Baby!
When in doubt, give them a little white lie about a little blue pill. 
     Sometimes embarrassment works, too.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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