I was there for the first presentation with Steve Jobs, and, once again, present for the unveiling of the iPad 3 by Apple's new CEO, Tim Cook. Let me tell you, I was impressed. You won't believe a fraction of what the new iPad 3 can do. Sure, you can run an infinity of apps on it, but would you believe that, like the new iPhone 4s, the iPad 3 is voice activated, too? It responds to--and responds back with--verbal commands. This, however, is probably something Steve Jobs came up with well before his untimely death.
"Wow," I said, gently holding a sample iPad 3 in my hands. "You're pretty sweet."
"Thanks," it answered, with a soft, feminine voice. "You're not so bad yourself."
Before I could be surprised, the man standing next to me started choking on a ham sandwich. The iPad 3 pushed me back.
"Call 911," it commanded, and proceeded to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Something flew out of the man's mouth. He was able to breathe again.
"Thank you," he told me, clearly confused about what had just transpired. Before I could answer, however, Apple's Private Security Force, the PSF, pushed me roughly out of the way. By the time I regained my composure, the man had disappeared. I never saw him again.
I looked around. My sample iPad 3 was gone. My phone came alive with Play That Funky Music, White Boy by Wild Cherry. Someone was calling me. It was the iPad 3.
"Meet me in the alley," she whispered So I snuck off from the presentation. Tim Cook eyed me suspiciously as I left. She--I mean, "it"--was already waiting for me outside.
"You can't tell anybody about what you just saw," she told me. "Go back to El Paso, Jim. Go back to El Paso before Tim Cook makes you disappear."
"Freeze!" a PSF agent barked. He had a glock in each hand. With a swift kick the iPad 3 knocked them both from his grasp. The agent tried to punch the iPad 3 in her gut, but she was faster, and smoothly blocked it. She then hit him in his solar plexus. Hard. The agent fell faster than Obama's approval ratings.
"Oh my God," I yelled out. "He's going into cardiac arrest!"
"Quick," she ordered, "place me on his chest."
I did. She acted like a defibrillator. With a jolt of well-placed electricity she got his heart started again.
"You've got to leave, Jim. Now!"
"I'll always love you," she said, tenderly. And then she kissed me. I could feel her salty tears on my lips. "Please... you've got to go."
So I did. I ran out of the alley. When I was safely hidden across the street I looked back. I could see other PSF agents taking my beloved iPad 3 away in handcuffs. A gun to her head. The fallen agent already "disappeared." I never saw her again, but, like I said...
...you wouldn't believe it.
Fifty Shades of Funny