Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Malia's Mexican Adventure

When President Obama calls, I jump.  It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. 
     But not this time. 
     One:  I was busy preparing to take part in the Bataan Deathmarch Memorial Marathon at the White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico, where I took 1st place in both the heavy and light divisions.  Two:  It wasn't President Obama who actually called me. 
     It was his wife.
     "I found your number in my husband's secret address book," she told me.  I put the phone down.  It usually takes her 27 minutes to get to her point.  When I picked the phone back up, she was saying, " I need you to babysit my daughter Malia for me in Mexico.  I'd go myself, but I'm doing my hair that week."
     I declined.  She wasn't very happy about it.  I felt sorry for 'Bama.  If I were him, I'd take Air Force One on a fund-raising tour for a week or six.
     It was hard to believe that the President and First Lady were letting their 13 year-old daughter travel to Mexico along with a few friends for Spring Break.  I couldn't think of a more coveted trophy for those Mexican drug lords than the daughter of an American President.
     I asked CNN for a comment, and they replied:  "President Obama's daughter is in Mexico?  We didn't know that."  They then wanted to know "which daughter?"  I hung up.
     MSNBC told me:  "We didn't know Obama let Malia go to Mexico, and you can't prove otherwise."
     I'm sure the media didn't know the travel plans of the President's eldest daughter, because certainly they would have reported it.  That's their job, after all.  They have no reason to hide the news.  If they reported on something as irrelevant as Snooki's pregnancy and the beginning of filming of MTV's Jersey Shore's 6th season, you'd think they'd report about something this important, wouldn't you?
     And, even though the President is being criticized about it by political pundits like Rush Limbo and Bill O'Really, I don't see what the fuss is all about.  Don't forget, President Obama served with me in Viet Nam during the late 60's.  He's familiar with the maturity of a 13 year-old girl.
     The country of Mexico very graciously welcomed Malia with the traditional Discovery of the Ten Dismembered Bodies.  The state of Chihuahua performed the Celebration of the Missing Women, where 20 young women and girls were abducted, murdered, and then dumped in the desert to be found at a later date.  This is a very great honor in Mexico. 
     But Oaxaca, Mexico--where little Malia was Spring Breaking it--out-did them all by having a 7.4 earthquake, followed by a pinata.  Within minutes of the earthquake the mayor of Mexico City, Marcelo Ebrard, took to the skies in a helicopter to survey the damage.  As he made his way to the helicopter he bravely said, "It's every man for himself!"  Except in Spanish.
     The state of Oaxaca also celebrated with free tequila Jello shots.  However, try as he might, Governor Gambino Cue couldn't convince his young guest to eat the worm.
     "I'm only thirteen," the wise-beyond-her-years Malia told him.
     "Yeah, she's only thirteen," repeated her Secret Service consierge.
     "Yeah," the 24 other Secret Service agents sent to babysit her echoed, "she's only thirteen."
     When, after the eathquake, President Obama was asked to comment about the wisdom in letting his daughter travel parent-less in Mexico, where drug violence and kidnapping are as common as illegal immigrants crossing over the U.S. border, Obama  responded:  "My daughter's in Mexico?"
     But, of course, like I told you before, the arrangements were made by the First Lady, Michele Obama, who didn't seem concerned. 
     "Eating saturated fats is dangerous," she stressed.  "Mexico is safe.  This reminds me of the Christmas vacation she spent in the Sudan.  A very fine gentleman by the name of Kony was more than happy to babysit for us."
     "Yes," the First Lady's spokeswoman, Kristina Schake, concurred, "going to Mexico is safe, especially for 13 year-old girls.  In Mexico you see children of all ages wandering the streets of Mexico by themselves.  How dangerous can it be?"
     I caught up with the President in Maljamar, NM.  A remote New Mexican town about halfway between Artesia and Lovington. 
     "Hey, 'Bama," I greeted him with, "instead of free condoms, how 'bout you give us a buck-fifty a gallon gasoline?"
     "What can I do?" he answered back.  "I'm just the President."
     He then told me how he's opening up millions of acres of federal land in 23 states for drilling onshore, and will up about 75% of the country's offshore resources "and it has nothing to do with my upcoming re-election."
     "Since you're so close to the border, are you going to check on Malia?"
     That's when I found out he wasn't in New Mexico to check on his daughter, but because he had a hankering for a chimichanga. Not only was he unaware of his eldest daughter's whereabouts, but he was surprised to find out that New Mexico and Mexico weren't the same place.  And then he smoothly changed the subject to something he was passionate about:  getting Congress to kill tax breaks for the oil and gas industry.
     To the media present he said, "You can either place your bets on a fossil fuel from the last century, or you can place your bets on America's future.  A future with higher gas prices."  The President then looked at them as sincerely as he could pretend.  "These aren't the droids you're looking for," he said.
    "These aren't the droids we're looking for," the media repeated back.
     "Move along."
     "Move along."
     I, however, wasn't so easily swayed.
     "If you get rid of the oil industry's tax breaks, gas prices will rise, and, as a result, you'll hurt the poor and the middle class."
     "No, I won't"
     "Yes, you will."
     "No, I won't."
     "Yes, you will.  If you raise the taxes on the oil and gas companies, they'll just pass that cost down to the consumer."
     "No, they won't."
     "Yes, they will."
     "No, they won't."
     "Yes, they will.  Unless, of course, you also get rid of all the incredibly high federal taxes that are tacked on at the gas pumps.  If you got rid of those taxes, which, incidentally, are also paid for by the poor and the middle class, that would help bring down the price of gasoline."
     The President grew quiet as he considered this.
     "Did you say my daughter's in Mexico?"
Fifty Shades of Funny


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