Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
Due to some unfortunate family circumstances, I was devastated to discover that nearly all of my boxes of cherished recipes have been destroyed. I’m now starting over from scratch—no pun intended—to replace these special recipes so I can pass them down to my children, but not my children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
Most of my family members have died, so they can no longer be a resource for the traditional dishes I grew up with.
What can I do?
—Devastated
Dear Devastated,
No one cares about your stupid recipes.
Dear John,
My friends have blessed me with several nights free at an expensive beach resort, all expenses paid.
The problem is my friends inconsiderately got me a room with NO VIEW! It faces the GOLF COURSE, rather than the ocean, as I would like. This is going to spoil my entire vacation, and I’ve been told that no other rooms are available.
What should I do?
—Graciously Disappointed
Dear Gracious,
You should give the room to someone who would appreciate it.
Like me.
Dear John,
I'm average fitness-wise. My girlfriend has belonged to a gym for a year. Out two fitness paths collided when I was enjoying a cup of coffee with her and her training partner, Rosie O'Donnell.
Rosie made a muscle. When I complimented her on her impressive upper lip definition, she responded that I should see my girlfriend's "guns." When my girlfriend flexed, her bicep popped up so high one of them slapped me on the side of the head. Rosie then started to bully me into flexing as well. I didn't want to because I knew my muscle wasn't as developed, but I did anyway. Rosie felt both our arms, and declared mine softer. She then pushed us to arm wrestle. Being a man, I thought I would win, but I was beaten... badly. It didn't help that my nose started to bleed from the exertion. I felt embarrassed and less than a man.
The upshot to this story is, I feel there has been a power shift in our relationship. My girlfriend will now jerk aggressively towards me when she wants me to do something, making me flinch. She also enjoys smacking me upside the head in public. A "love slap," she calls it. When my parents wanted to know why I had two black eyes, she laughingly told them, "Because he didn't listen the first time!" That's not true. I listened the first time. She just chose to hit me a second time for no reason.
Must I just accept her superior strength, or should I go to the gym and work out like she does?
--Outmuscled
Dear Outmuscled,
A wise person would refer to his or her physician before starting an exercise program. Only when they get the okay, should they go to a gym and begin to work-out. The wiser among them would even employ a trainer to help them achieve their goals. A good trainer can teach them proper form and use of the weights and equipment, thus building themselves up, rather than tearing themselves down. And, when they feel they're strong enough...
...they can punch their girlfriend in the face.
Confidential to Cuckold:
While I agree it's not right that your wife feels the desire to sleep with her employers, I can't help but wonder if she's ever considered working for an advice columnist.
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
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