Sunday, June 3, 2018

Towelie Says: DON'T DROWN!

Well, it's the swimming time of the year, and you know what that means, don't you?
     Yes, it means young girls in skimpy bathing suits.
     "If you don't want me to look, then why do you dress that way?" is what I like to say.
     Something else I like to say is, "Take it from me, kids: Drowning Is NO Fun," and it's even less fun when you capitalize it like that.
     I put drowning just ahead of stubbing your toe, but just behind getting a bad hair cut.
     Did you know that drowning is a top-cause of injury related death for people who want to impress the opposite sex by pretending they know how to swim?
     It's true.
     With that in mind, let me give you ten tips for swimming safety... but first, maybe I'll get a little high:
10) During family swim time, assign a constant, capable adult supervisor.
Can't find one?
Yeah, I didn't think you would.
9) Keep your pool fence locked when it's not time to swim.
A broken leg from climbing over that locked fence is an obstacle that will keep most kids from jumping unsupervised into the pool.
There's nothing you can do about the stupid ones.
8) Keep windows and doors leading to pool area locked.
What do you mean I already covered this in #2?
Oh man, I am so high right now, I have no idea what's going on.
8) Make sure children can't go over, under, or through the fence.
And, when you do, be sure to let President Trump know how you did it.
3) You shouldn't get high to learn how to swim.
You should learn how to swim, and then get high to reward yourself.
2) Teach children how to swim at an appropriate age.
What is an appropriate age?
I say it's around the time they can pay for the lessons themselves.
1) Keep your CPR skills up to date.
Number one on my list of CPR skills is:
"If you're a dude, you're out of luck."
Remember, Kids:
Respect The Water... Don't Pee In The Pool!

American Chimpanzee

No comments:

Post a Comment