Friday, June 8, 2018

Dear John: Special Who Cares? Edition!

Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
     My daughter is still in high school, but she’s dating a man who’s 26-years-old! He has three children with another girl but refuses to marry her or pay child support.
     When my daughter goes out with him, he keeps her out until 3:30! Or later.
     Sometimes even all night long. He does this ALL THE TIME! Even though he assures me before they leave that he’ll have her back at a reasonable hour. She must like him because he’s funny. I always hear them laughing all the way to his van.
     I’m beginning to think he’s a liar and isn’t any good for her. Should I forbid her from seeing him or let her make her OWN decisions?
     We are NOT going to raise a baby out of wedlock!
Dear Concerned,
That’s what YOU think!
Dear John,
      I have a great marriage to a wonderful woman. We have amazing kids and are really happy together. You wouldn’t believe how happy we are. Sooo happy. Yes, we are.
      The issue, however, is my in-laws. We are complete opposites in temperament and views. I know they have a right to their own opinions, and I respect that, but they belittle me, my politics, my faith, my job, my habits, my hobbies... you name it. I have been with my wife since high school and they have never liked me.
      “Here comes ol’ stinky,” one of them will invariably say when my wife and I come over to visit.
      “I’d like a second opinion on that,” the other will play along.
      “Okay. Not only does he stink, but he’s ugly,” too.”
      I am educated, have a good job, and take care of my family, but every chance my in-laws get, they trash me in front of my wife and kids. They are beyond cruel. I especially hate how they get my loving wife and darling children to chant along with them, “Inky-dinky! Daddy’s stinky!”
      My wife doesn’t see a problem.
      I tried to stick up for myself one time and my father-in-law proceeded to threaten me with physical violence.
     “Get over it,” my wife told me. “That’s how he shows he likes you.”
     “Well, I never!” I said.
     “And that’s why you’re a brunette, I’m a brunette, and our children are redheads. Besides,” she continued, “they’re old. They deserve respect.”
     Well, don’t I deserve respect as well? I’m afraid my children will start to mimic their abusive behavior, but I take it because they’re family.
     I am at my breaking point, and my marriage is beginning to suffer because my wife refuses to support me.
      “Don’t be a wuss,” she’ll say, and then make clucking sounds like a chicken.
     My wife insists we visit them at least once a week. When I tell her I don’t want to go, she tells me to shut up, and makes me go anyway.
     I don’t know what to do anymore.
     —Please Help
Dear Please,
I thought you said you had a great marriage to a wonderful woman?
Dear John,
     Maybe I’m wrong to feel this way.
     My mother died a month ago. My sister notified me in a mass email to friends and family. “To whom it may concern,” it began.
     I almost fainted when I read it. I can’t believe she feels that this was an acceptable way to break the sad news to me, her brother.
     At the funeral, my sister had the pastor read what she wrote about our mother, and never acknowledged me or the fact that she even had a brother. Nor did she ask if there was something I wanted to say or have read. Not only that, but those very same friends and family members bypassed me to give their condolences to her.
     What is going on here? I honestly don’t know what I’ve done that they would shun me this way.
      I feel like I’m the...
      —Invisible Man
My apologies to my reading public.
The second letter ran so long I wasn’t able to fit in a third.
Confidential to Wondering:
The reason women fake orgasms is because they think we care.
American Chimpanzee

No comments:

Post a Comment