Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Pancho Villa's Finger

Anyone who's traveled east on I-10 can't help but be curious about something called The Thing. Mainly, that's because you've driven by 247 billboards asking you: "What Is The Thing?"
     I stopped to see it one time. I admit it, curiousity got the better of me.  It was in a nice little homemade museum. Personally, I liked that museum because they tried to make what little they had interesting. My favorite was a 1937 Rolls Royce they said was rumored to have once been owned by Hitler. Heck, anybody can start a rumor. I started one once back in High School and ended up taking my best friend's girlfriend to the Prom. He tried to get even with me years later by marrying one of my ex-wives. She made his life a living hell. Be careful what you wish for, my friends. Be careful what you wish for.
     That's why I found it so interesting that Pancho Villa's trigger finger was for sale at Dave's Pawn Shop in Downtown El Paso. I went to look at it. After careful study I determined that the finger was indeed that of the notorious bandit. Unfortunately, however, it was not Pancho Villa's trigger finger, but instead his nose-picking finger.
     "I wouldn't know anything about that," the store manager, David Delgadillo, said.  "I just know what I read on the internet."
     I looked around to see what other interesting artifacts this unique pawn shop offered. The first thing I noticed were wooden slivers from the actual cross Jesus was crucified on.
     "Have they been authenticated?"  I asked.
     "I have it on good authority," he answered. For the right price David is also willing to sell 100% of his interest in the Golden Gate Bridge.
     He told me that Elvis comes by on Wednesdays to talk about why Wednesday isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
     "What about February?"
     "He doesn't care about February."
     He showed me several photographs of the Chupacabra. They looked just like my ex-wives during our divorces, so they might be real. He also played video footage for me of the legendary Bigfoot, but upon closer inspection it turned out to be Ron Jeremy.
     "I see it's not just his foot that's big," I observed, dryly.
     David then brought out a piece of the crashed alien spacecraft from Roswell. It looked just like a sheet of aluminum foil.
     "Of course it does," Degadillo explained. "Where do you think we got the technology to make aluminum foil? Before Roswell there was no such thing."
     And then he said he'd show me something so rare no one's ever seen it.  He went into the back of the pawn shop and came back after a few seconds. Do you know what he brought out? An honest politician.
     That was too much for even me to believe. I left.

American Chimpanzee

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