Saturday, June 11, 2011

Pardoning Billy The Kid

As a world-renown faux historian of the southwest I found it amusing that the former governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson, considered granting a pardon to Billy the Kid just before he left office.
     I called Billy the Kid for a response, but his having died a century back made it difficult for him to return my calls.  Governor Richardson also didn't return my call, but I expected that.  I know he holds me responsible for the derailing of his Presidential bid in the historic election of 2008.  Sadly, I was the one who sugggested to Melissa Etheridge that she ask him whether or not he believed homosexuality to be a choice.  Her original question had been how Double-Stuffed Oreos could sell for the same price as regular Oreos. 
     "It has double the stuffing!  How can it possibly sell for the same price?"
     "Melissa," I answered back, and the rest is history.  Maybe in an alternate reality she asked him her original question, and in that alternate reality America elected its first Hispanic president, rather than its first...  Hawaiian.
     This line of thinking led me to call up the famous theoretical physicist Dr. Michio Kaku.  Cofounder of string field theory, star of stage and screen, and a personal friend of mine.  He informed me that according to his string theory, Billy the Kid has already been pardoned by territorial Governor Lew Wallace in a parallel universe.  Therefore, the pardoning of him in this universe would be redundant.  Since I had Dr. Kaku on the line I also asked him if time travel were indeed possible, and would I be able to go into the future and return with the numbers of the next Power Ball?
     "It doesn't matter," he answered.  "That's the beauty of string theory, in another reality you already have."
     Somehow he seemed more excited by the idea than I was.
     To get back to my original point, however, I didn't expect an answer from Bill Richardson, who, in this reality is no longer governor.  Or president.  One other thing I didn't expect was how, two years later, my short time with Melissa Etheridge would be the cause of her divorce from her wife...  but that's another story.
     Nevertheless, this is the universe we live in, and in this universe the question remains:  Is it necessary to pardon a western outlaw who is very much not alive?  I understand the former Governor's reasoning.  When his time in office was coming to an end, he couldn't help but think about his future legacy.  Will he be remembered?  Will his accomplishments stand the test of time?  Should he grow his beard back?
     I recall when Bill Clinton was leaving office that he, too, considered pardoning Billy the Kid, but, being dead, Mr. the Kid was unable to make a donation to Clinton's Presidential library "fund", so his pardon never materialized.
     Oh, well.  Maybe in another universe.
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