Saturday, June 9, 2012

America's Safest City!

On June 16th, in El Paso, there will be a nationally televised boxing championship match between Julio Cesar Chavez and Andy "Not-Related-To-Bruce" Lee.
     There's been a lot of controversy, not about the fight itself, but because, back in April, University of Texas System Chancellor Francisco G. Cigarroa stopped the match from happening at the Sun Bowl Stadium, citing security concerns.  When asked to cite his concerns, the Chancellor said, "Hey, I'M the Chancellor.  I don't have to cite nothing." 
     "Could you please speak into the microphone?"
     "Uh, did I say it was off?  What I meant to say was that--HEY!  What's that?"
     And--BAM!--he was gone. 
     So the fight will be in El Paso, after all. 
     Cigarroa later released a video, and, you know what?  I still don't think Kim Kardashian is all that.  She's got too much pork for just one fork, if you get my drift. 
     Unfortunately, the one condition to Francisco's concession, is that no alcohol will be served at the event. 
     "But what if the President shows up?" he was asked.
     "If that's the case, we might make an exception for weed and blow," the Chancellor conceded.
     "Uh...  we meant the President of the University."
     "Ah...  well... um--HEY!  What's that?"
     And--BAM!--he was gone. 
     The system issued no other statement.
     So thank you to Mayor John Cook (El Paso's first honorary gay mayor), the community, and officials from the University of Texas at El Paso for...  well, I'm not quite sure what they did, but I'm sure they did something.  (That's what I tell my kids when I spank them for no reason.  "I don't know what you did, but I'm sure you did something.")
     "All's well that ends well," Mayor Cook said.
     "We learn from our mistakes," Chancellor Cigarroa said.
     "A stitch in time saves nine," is what I always say.
     The whole problem is that El Paso is perceived by the rest of the country as being unsafe because of the drug war that's happening just across the border in Mexico. 
     Texas Governor Rick Perry said something along the lines of "Car bombs are going off in the streets of El Paso!"  I'd have gotten the actual quote, but I've already had one too many beers, and would rather take a nap. 
     "Aw, Governor," he was told.  "That's completely untrue."
     "Of course it is," clarified the Governor.  "What I meant to say is that there's no way Oswald could have shot Kennedy."
     One of our local politicians, Chente "El Quickee" Quintana, also said something along the lines of "Car bombs are going off in the streets of El Paso!"  Or maybe that was the Governor.  I don't know.  All I know is that beer is like women.  One is too many, and a million aren't enough.  Which is another way of saying that maybe I should do some actual research to verify these quotes, but then I'd have to find out what office Quintana actually holds in El Paso, and, to tell the truth, I'd rather have another beer.
     When it was pointed out to Chente that his statement was completely untrue, he said, "Of course it is.  What I meant to say is there had to have been a second gunman in the grassy knoll.  By the way, what's a 'knoll'?"
     So with our very own politicians planting these false stories, what chance does El Paso have for getting out the truth?
     What is the truth?
     I'm glad you asked.
     The truth is that El Paso is the safest city in America.  And how do we get the truth out to the American public?
     Man, you sure do ask a lot of questions, my friend. 
     Our fine city's answer is to emblazon the words "America's Safest City--El Paso!" on the mat of the boxing ring.  Myself, I would change the city's message on the boxing mat between every round.

El Paso!  We're Not Fat, We're Just Big-Boned!
Forget Columbia!  Our Prostitutes Know How To Keep Their Mouths Shut!
Come To El Paso!  We Need The Money!

     You get the picture. 
     I even thought that the Ring Girls could have a phrase or a word or a name stitched onto the round, curvy side of their short shorts as they paraded around the boxing ring holding up a sign telling the audience
Hey, Look At My Butt!
     Instead of
Hot Stuff
their derrieres could say
El Paso!
America's Safest City!
My Eyes Are Up Here! 
     All these exclamation points got me so excited I went straight to City Hall and demanded to see Mayor Cook so I could tell him all about my great idea.  After all this time, I'm sure he's forgiven me for those pictures I posted on Facebook.
     As the police were hauling me off to jail, I couldn't help but laugh.  The joke was on them.
     It was Tecate night at the jailhouse.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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