Friday, June 15, 2012

Electric Donkey Bottom Biter

A vitriolic, to the point of being just plain nasty, series of comments on Facebook has the Department of Public Safety patrolling the house of state Rep. Marisa Marquez from El Paso, Texas.
     Tom Vinger, a spokesman for the DPS, said, "We have to put everything else on the back burner.  Child molesters, women abusers, jay walkers...  all that stuff is unimportant compared to this."  His statement was punctuated by his ignoring of a man on fire running around wildly behind him.
     A state trooper was parked outside the house of the El Paso state lawmaker since Thursday, sometimes only being seen by the glow of his cell phone light, when Rep. Marquez reported a conversation on the social networking website that she felt crossed the line from political criticism to "really getting my goat." 
     The comments were posted on the Facebook page of Alejandro Guzman, who later said that he did not write his comments as a threat, but, rather, was quoting from Monty Python & The Holy Grail, his favorite movie.
     "I thought Rep. Marquez was a fan," he said, "but I guess I was wrong."
     The following is a transcript of their exchange.

     Marquez:  Well, who are you then?
     Guzman:  I'm Alejandro Guzman.  Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly thing?
     Marquez:  What are you doing on Facebook?
     Guzman:  Mind your own business! 
     Marquez:  You better answer me, mister.  I'M a state lawmaker.
     Guzman:  You don't frighten me, you border pig-dog.  Go and boil your bottom, daughter of a silly person. 
     Marquez:  How dare you!
     Guzman:  I blow my nose on you, you so-called state lawmaker.  You and all your silly lawmakers.  Thpppt! 
     Marquez:  What do you want from me? 
     Guzman:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction. 
     Marquez:  You are a sick, sick man.
     Guzman:  And your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.
     Marquez:  Is there someone else I could talk to?
     Guzman:  No.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. 
     Marquez:  This is outrageous.
     Guzman:  And this one is for your mother:  Thpppt! 
     Marquez:  If you don't cut it out, mister, I'm going to contact the Department of Public Safety, because that's who you're supposed to call when you're being harassed or threatened.  And, if that's not enough, I'll call the Sanitation Department.
     Guzman:  Ah, daffy El Paso state lawmaker, who has the brain of a duck, you know.
     Marquez:  You don't scare me.
     Guzman:  I unclog my nose toward you, daughter of a window-dresser.  So you think you could out-clever me, with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior. 
     Marquez:  You're not even making any sense.
     Guzman:  I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of brightly-colored, mealy-tempered, cranberry-smelling, second-hand electric donkey bottom biter. 
     Marquez:  Can't we just put all this unpleasantness behind us?
     Guzman:  No chance, you border bed wetting type.  I burst my pimples at you, and call your request a silly thing.  You tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms. 
     Marquez:  That's it.  This time you've gone over the line, mister.  I'm calling the DPS.
     Guzman:  Yes, this time, and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your head, and make castanets out of your testicles already.  Ha, ha! 
     Marquez:  You're insane.  I'm leaving.
     Guzman:  No, remain, you illegitimate-faced bugger folk, and, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, daffy El Paso state lawmaker.  Thpppt! 
     Marquez:  Good-Bye!
     Guzman:  Perfidious border mouse-dropping hoarder.  How you say:  "Begorrah!"

     That ended the exchange between Rep. Marisa Marquez and Alejandro Marquez, not exactly the the two more colorful crayons in the box. 
     "Hey," Tom Vinger was later quoted as saying, "who's that guy on fire behind me?"
     Vinger then excused himself to go get marshmallows.
     One interesting aspect of this whole brouhaha, are the postings of an individual who goes by the Facebook name of Tierra O Muerte, which translates into "dirty deeds done dirt cheap," or maybe I'm thinking of something else. 
     "I'm going to punch her so hard her future children are going to be born with dents in their heads and no one will know why," he said in a posting that was eventually taken down.
     "In no way was that a threat," Mr. O Muerte said.  "What I meant to say was:  If the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...  what would a taco feel like?"
       His name was not listed on Facebook, but the fine reporters at the El Paso Times were able to determine that he was, in fact, Ethan Seamans, an educator.  That's right, folks, an educator.  Now don't you feel better sending your kids to school next year?
     I asked him how he came to be so mean and spiteful.
    "Try growing up with the name Seamans," he answered.  "Nobody knows the vicious taunts and insults I've had to endure growing up."
     I had no idea what he meant.
     Seamans...  Seamans...  Hmm... 
     So he's an educator, eh?

Fifty Shades of Funny

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