"How can I warn the Taliban you're attacking," he whined like a baby, "if you do not let me know in advance?"
$20 billion in his bank account later, he learned to forgive and forget.
Meanwhile, in New York City, a Hasidic Jew is complaining that he was kicked out of the police academy for refusing to trim his beard. Man, these Middle Eastern-types really know how to complain. You would think they were soccer players.
Former recruit, Fishel Litzman, was fired after several confrontations with the NYC police department over the length of his whiskers.
"What kind of a name is Fishel?" he was asked by the Daily News.
"It's my given name," he answered.
"Give it back," they told him.
Litzman is Hasidic, and believes that cutting his beard is forbidden by God. NYPD rules require officers to be clean-shaven, but they were willing to make an exception if Litzman would bring in a note signed by Yahweh.
Litzman declined to provide such a note.
Speaking of God, someone paid $3.5 million in an auction for charity to have lunch with Nebraskan billionaire Warren Buffet. You know, the guy who wants you to pay more in taxes.
$3.5 MILLION! I'm glad to see that someone's not in the middle of a recession.
And, since I'm on the subject of money, it's being estimated that Spain's bailout could cost $125 billion!
"Hey, why's everybody looking at me?' asked a very broke United States.
Meanwhile, the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, was recently quoted as saying that the public sector is doing just fine. I believe his exact quote was, "WILL YOU QUIT ASKING ME ABOUT THE ECONOMY!" But his quote was taken out of context. Hitler, or one of his cronies, once said that if you tell the same lie often enough, it'll become the truth. Somebody else once said that perception is reality. And my mom once said, "If you pick it, it won't heal." What Obama said was, "I've just read a book that made a lot of sense. The Secret. If you speak it, it will come true. Therefore, one word can equal one job. So I'm going to give a lot of speeches with a lot of words so I can create a lot of jobs, and I'm not going to stop until I've created a job for every man, woman, and child. Even those here illegally. And according to quantum physics, the mere act of looking at something changes it, so I'm also going to take a good, hard look at our economy until it changes into something better. I'm your president. It's the least I can do."
In a local story, I read that Texas Rep. Senators Kay Bailey Hutchison and John Cornyn introduced a bill that would allow cities and businesses to pay the federal government to add additional customs officers to international ports of entry.
Isn't that what our taxes are supposed to pay for in the first place?
"Well," Senator Hutchison explained, "while that may be true on the surface, if you look under the surface you'll find another surface, and on that surface you might find additional surfaces. Some of those surfaces might be rough and dull, while other of those surfaces might be shiney and smooth. But they're still all surfaces. Does that answer your question?"
Not really, but isn't that just a way to increase our taxes without having to say that you're increasing our taxes?
"No," Senator Cornyn said, shaking his head. "In no way are those taxes. That's just the federal government taking your money to supply you with government services. If that's not clear enough, then I can go over the whole 'surfaces' thing again, if you'd like."
Um, no thanks. I'd rather have Obama explain The Secret to me again.
While, across the border in Mexico, it's been determined by the Nobel Women's Initiative that just in the state of Chihuahua alone the rate of women being murdered is 15 times higher than the world rate, and has grown worse with the Mexican government's crackdown against the drug cartels.
When asked about this horrifying statistic, Ms. Connie Lingus, the president of NOW--the National Organization of Women--said, "As long as they weren't denied their rights to have an abortion while they were being murdered, we're not interested."
And that, my friends, is the news.
Fifty Shades of Funny