Sunday, June 3, 2012

With The Recent Elections...

With the recent elections, I'm reminded of the Senate race in Connecticut of just a few years back between Richard Blumenthal and Linda McMahon.
     Richard Blumenthal was the eventual winner, but what made the race interesting was Mrs. McMahon.  She's the ex-CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (the WWE).  Her style was was more used car dealer, than politician.
     "Hi," she said in one ad, where she came out riding a hippopotamus.  "I'm Linda McMahon, and this is my dog Spot  I'll eat a bug for your vote."
     In the one debate between them that I had the misfortune of watching, I half wondered if I was watching Jackass 3D by mistake.  It was obvious that Blumenthal felt superior to the wife of the WWE's head hookah, Vince McMahon.  After all, Mrs. McMahon was a woman whose job as CEO sometimes required her to kick her to kick her husband in the groin.  A job, I might add, my ex-wives would do for free.
     I remember seeing McMahon walking over to Blumenthal.
     "You don't understand business," she explained to him.  "It's not your fault.  You've been in government all your life."
     As he smiled at her condescendingly--WHAM!--she sucker-punched him right in the gut.  The moderator of the debate jumped up.  McMahon lifted her hands in a what-did-I-do? gesture, and then slammed her elbow down on top of Blumenthal's head.
     The audience went wild. 
     "What?  What?" she asked them, innocently.
     Vince McMahon, meanwhile, distracted the moderator.
     "The way Blumenthal hit my wife was uncalled for," Vince yelled in the poor guy's face. 
     "He didn't hit her," the moderator argued back.  "She hit him!"
     But Vince's strategy worked.  He managed to get the moderator's back to the action, so the moderator didn't see Linda looking around and finding a metal folding chair.  Linda picked it up, and lifted it high above her head, but before she could deliver the crushing blow, President Clinton came out of nowhere, grabbed the chair, and jerked it out of her hands.  Clinton slammed the chair between her shoulder blades.  President Obama then came in with a flying kick that knocked her to the floor.  Obama lifted her by her hair.  He secured her arms behind her back.  Clinton punched her.  Again.  Again.  And again.  Obama finally let her go.  She rocked back and forth, unsteady on her feet.  Meanwhile, the moderator was still looking everywhere but the stage.  He was missing the whole fight!  Linda stood there.  Helpless.
     "Your turn!" Clinton told Blumenthal.
     "Get her!" Obama spat.
     Blumenthal then put his hand on his opponent's shoulder to steady her.  He pulled back a fist, and was about to knock her into the next election cycle, when--BAM!--he was down.  Linda was just playing possum.  A swift kick between Blumenthal's legs ended the fight...
     ...and then she went after Clinton and Obama.
     When the debate's moderator finally turned around he saw the three Democrats unconscious on the floor.  He had no choice but to declare McMahon the winner.
     "How do you feel?" he asked her.
     "It sure beats eating bugs," she said.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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