Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I Have A Plan (Part One)

I have a plan.
     I have a plan to revitalize Downtown El Paso, and it won't cost you, the taxpayer, one penny of the money you've worked so hard to squander. 
     It won't cost you $55 million to build a baseball stadium nobody wants for a Triple-A baseball team we may not get.  The only people who seem excited about wasting our money are the ones with access to our wallets, not anybody I've actually met or talked to.  Heck, the average El Pasoan doesn't even support the sports teams we do have, so I don't see a tsunami of enthusiasm for any sports team we don't have.  I'd say the average El Pasoan is as interested in acquiring another baseball team as the next guy, as long as the next guy is someone who isn't interested in acquiring another baseball team. 
     It won't cost you $3.5 million a year to lease office space for our various government agencies that will have to relocate when we tear down City Hall to make room for the stadium.  I would recommend our government agencies relocate to the drug cartel capital of the world Juarez, Mexico.  I hear rent is very cheap over there, as long as you don't mind dodging bullets and escaping kidnappers.
     And it won't cost you $35 million to rebuild a City Hall we already have.  That doesn't include the additional cost of land acquisition.  Or moving expenses.  Or fari vagnari a pizzu, if you get my drift.
     As for the cost of demolishing City Hall, actually I think we could make a profit on that.  All we'd have to do is offer it to Hollywood, and let Michael Bay film its demolition for his next bad action movie.  I can't wait to not see it.
     All told, you, the taxpayer will have to fork over--hmm, let's see... uh, carry the one... ah, um... let me round it off to an even $200 million, just because I can--it's going to cost you over $200 million!  With a bite that big out of your bank account, how will you be able to afford the latest iPhone? 
     In the end, will building a baseball stadium revitalize Downtown El Paso?  Did Cohen Stadium revitalize the Northeast? 
     I rest my case.
     So forget spending over $200 million building a Barbie Dream Home that would seat 9,000 drunken Kens.  El Paso doesn't even support the Diablos, so why would they support a Triple-A team? 
     I'm not into baseball, so maybe somebody can explain to me just what it means to be Triple-A.  Is that like coming in second on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice, even though you earned three times more than your opponent did on your final task?  Triple-A is like the Clay Aiken of baseball, is that it?
     "It's going to be a big day for El Paso," City Manager Joyce Wilson said.  "It's our watershed moment."
     I don't know what the word "watershed" even means.  Is it anything like that Kevin Costner flop Waterworld?  In that case, she's probably right.  And isn't City Manager Joyce Wilson telling us that first we have to build a stadium before we find out if we get a baseball team kind of like former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi telling us that we first had to pass President Obama's Health Care Bill before we could find out what was in it?
     I ran into El Paso's first honorary gay mayor, John Cook.  He was at El Paso's premiere gay nightclub, The Old Plantation, conducting "research."  I decided to ask him about it.
     "Could you please take your hand off my wallet?"
     "I'm sorry," he answered.  "I thought it was mine."
     Most politicians do.
     So what's my great plan?  I'm glad you asked, girlfriend.
     Let's give Downtown El Paso to the gays!

Fifty Shades of Funny

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