Sunday, June 3, 2012

O'Rourke Beats Reyes!

In a stunning upset that made national news, former El Paso city Rep. Beto O'Rourke beat U.S. Rep. Silvestre Reyes, who was trying to do his best impression of a political barnacle, in the 16th Congressional race. 
     When they heard the news, O'Rourke's campaign staff hoisted him into the air, chanted "Beto!  Beto!  Beto!", and then doused him with champagne, the drink of the common man.
     Meanwhile, in another part of town, Reyes' supporters looked worried as the elections results came in.  Reyes no sooner stepped off the elevator, than he was given the bad news by a staff member.  His friendly smile quickly turned upside down, and he hastily stepped back into the elevator.  Then he stepped back out.  Then he stepped back in.  Then he put his right foot out.  He put his right foot in.  He put his right foot out, and he shook it all about.  He did the hokey-pokey, and he turned himself around, and that's when the doors to the elevator closed. 
     The staffer who briefed him promised that he would return soon.  Behind the elevator doors, hysterical crying could be heard. 
     When Reyes returned, his eyes red from joy, he was asked whether he had made any mistakes.
     "If we hadn't done what we did--phone banking, contacting over 30,000 homes, the kind of things we did--we ran a professional campaign,"  Reyes answered, making no sense and completely misunderstanding the question. 
     Reyes then turned to his faithful staff, and spoke his thanks.
     "Four score, and seven years ago," he began, "I was a young man with big dreams.  Thanks to all of you here today, those dreams have been destroyed.  Destroyed like the Titanic from that movie, uh, I forget what the name of it is.  Never have so many worked so hard to accomplish so little, but that's either here nor there.  Well, it's kind of here, and a little there.  Maybe more than a little.  Maybe not.  It's hard to say.
     "But I don't blame my loss completely on you.  I also blame all the negative news coverage I received.  Who knew that every statement I made or fact I quoted would be verified by the El Paso Times for it's truthfulness. 
     "I blame the $140,000 spent by a super PAC to defeat me.  That money would have been better spent on hiring my kids. 
     "And I blame Beto O'Rourke.  What can I say about O'Rourke?  He deliberately ran a nasty, dirty campaign.  The way he brought to the public's attention everything I did or didn't do, was uncalled for.  Like most politicians, I ran on my experience and my connections, not on my record, because, if I ran on my record, I would have been voted out of office long ago.  Just you wait, when the voters who voted for O'Rourke find out how naive my opponent is about the way things work in Washington, they'll wish they had voted for you-know-who.  By you-know-who, I mean me
     "O'Rourke's foreign policy experience is confined to having once eaten at the International House of Pancakes.  I've been told that it's had to be explained to him several times that international affairs does not mean cheating on your wife with a girl from another country. 
     "And just wait until he legalizes marijuana, or "weed" as the President fondly refers to it, just you wait.
     "I'd like to thank President Clinton for not hitting on my wife or any of my daughters while he was in El Paso endorsing me.  I'd also like to thank President Obama, who endorsed me, but wasn't able to come to town, because he was busy washing his hair that week.  Has Nancy Pelosi called yet?  No?  I'm sure she will as soon as she gets some feeling back into her face.
     "And, while I'm at it, let me just say that O'Rourke's claims that I was tied to any of the people involved in the public corruption investigations are completely false.  Vito Corleone and Tony Soprano are merely acquaintances of mine, and nothing more.  The reason I decided to keep campaign donations from them was so that I could give the money to my favorite charity:  my family. 
     "And I flat-out deny awarding a no-bid contract to a company that hired some, if not all, of my children, and then donated $17,000 to my re-election campaign.  I don't care what anybody says, that's not me in the video accepting that money.
     "But my loss today is not my loss alone.  It's also the loss of the United States of America.  It's always been my dream to make this country into what it once was... 
     " Artic region covered in ice."
Fifty Shades of Funny

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