Monday, August 19, 2013

The Answer, My Friend, Is Rick Perry

Governor Rick Perry, the once and future presidential candidate, never overcame his "oops" moment in the 2012 presidential debates. You remember the one, the one where he derailed his presidential hopes by confusing the names of The Three Stooges.
     "You've got Moe Hummad, Curly, and... and... uh, the fat bald guy," he stammered, looking toward Ron Paul for help.
     "That's Curly," Rand Paul suggested.
     "The fat bald guy is Curly."
     "No, that's not him."
     "Sure, it is."
     "No, it's not. Curly's the one with the wild tumbleweed of curly red hair on his head."
     "That's Larry."
     "Larry Fine."
     "You couldn't be more wrong, Senator Paul."
     "That's Congressman."
     "That's Congressman Paul."
     "Whatever. Let me ask you a hypothetical question, Congressman Paul. You have two men. One is bald and the other has a head of hair that even Don King laughs at. Now, which one would you bet a shot of Gentleman Jack is named "Curly"?
     "I concede your point, Governor, but that still doesn't change the fact that the bald one's name..."
     "I rest my case."
     " Curly."
     Governor Perry ran into similar problems when he tried to impress upon the television viewing audience his strong Christian beliefs by naming all of Santa's reindeers.
     "Let's see, there's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Nixon. There's Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And... and... uh, is it Dopey? Nah, it's not Dopey. It's... it's... OLIVE!"
     "Yes, Olive. As in 'Olive, the other reindeer.'"
     "There is no 'Olive, the other reindeer.' It's 'All of the other reindeer.'"
     "No, it's not."
     "Yes, it is."
     "No, it's not."
     "Yes, it is. And that, Congressman, is what makes me a better Christian than you. I rest my case."
     All in all, it was an interesting debate, and, as Rick Perry learned, there's a reason the Chinese like to curse their enemies by wishing them an interesting life.
     Governor Perry may be playing coy these days, but it's obvious to everyone who knows the governor that he's getting ready for a second bid at the presidency. Unfortunately for Perry, he isn't his own worse enemy, his mouth is.
     In a June speech to the Faith & Freedom Coalition in Washington, he mistook Lebanon for Libya. In a July interview with the soon-to-be-sold Washington Post, he mistook "second choices" for "second chances." And in an August appearance at the New Orleans RedState blogger gathering, he mistook Florida for Louisiana.
     "There are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach that we've taken over the years," he told his audience. "I'm in one today... in Florida."
     "We're in Louisiana," someone in the audience yelled out, correcting him.
     "I know, and I said that," Perry said, clearly not having said that.
     If bad things come in threes, then the Texas Governor certainly keeps making his limit over and over again.
     "As the great poet Bob Dylan once said," Rick Perry told me in a recent interview about his views on green energy and protecting the ecology, "'The ants are my friends, and they're blowing in the wind. The ants are all blowing in the wind.'"
     I rest my case.

American Chimpanzee

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