Monday, August 26, 2013

The Trial of Hasan bin Laid

The trail of Major Nidal Hasan has been interesting, to say the least. Interesting, in the way that the Chinese like to curse their enemies with an interesting life. In fact, I'd venture to say it's been as interesting as the Jodi Arias trial, except without all that anal sex testimony.
     From the beginning, military judge Col. Tara Osborn ruled her courtroom with a rod of steel.
     "Major Hasan, I ORDER you to shave your beard!"
     Hasan, who admits to killing 13 people and wounding 32 in the 2009 ambush at Fort Hood, told his jury of thirteen officers that "the evidence will clearly show that I am the shooter."
     "I object, Major Hasan!" the judge objected. "We don't live in the future, so we don't know what the evidence will show, and, henceforth, you are barred from referring to yourself as 'the shooter.' If you so choose, you may refer to yourself as 'world's greatest dad.'"
     Continuing his opening statement, Hasan's only hint of regret was when he included himself among the "imperfect Muslims trying to establish the perfect religion."
     The judge was clearly touched.
     "I feel you, Major Hasan," she told him, thumping her chest with one fist. "I feel you."
     "I apologize for any mistakes I made in this endeavor," he went on.
     The judge looked over at the prosecution, and said, "See? He apologizes."
     When Major Hasan declared he had a "jihad duty" to murder those soldiers at Ft. Hood, she quickly overruled him, and said that he could only say he had a "hankering for some ribs."
     She blocked witnesses and key pieces of evidence against him to be presented by the prosecution because "it would be prejudicial."
     Such evidence, she said, would result in a "confusion of issues, unfair prejudice, waste of time, and undo delay. Besides," she continued, "I have a hair appointment."
     She also said prosecutors couldn't introduce three emails, ruling that "emails are electronic mail, and we don't live in the future, you know. Next, you'll be wanting to introduce Captain Kirk's log."
     "But, your honor," the prosecution complained, "one of those emails was to Anwar al-Awlaki, a radical U.S.-born Islamic cleric."
     "Anwar al-Awlaki?" the judge countered. "I don't even know who that is. Their names all sound alike, so it can't be relevant."
     She barred any reference to Major Hasan having allegedly said: "Allahu akbar!" before he went on his murderous shooting spree, because "he's a Muslim, and Muslims are our friends."
     "If you want to say you said 'aloha mahalo,' that's fine with me," she admonished the merciless murderer, and also told him he could not use the term "infidel."
     "Use the name 'Sarah Palin' instead."
     She then barred him from using the phrase "enemy to Islam," and, for good measure, the prosecution from using "terrorist act."
     "You both can either say 'conservatives' or 'Rush Limbaugh.' And, while you're at it, in the interest of fairness, you may refer to the U.S. Army as 'The Tea Party.'"
     When Hasan said he was on the wrong side of terrorism, the judge pushed for more clarification.
    "And what side is that?"
     "The wrong side."
     "No, I mean, on which side of terrorism?"
     "The not-right side."
     "I mean, are you talking about before or after you allegedly shot those soldiers."
     "There is no 'allegedly.' I shot them. I'm guilty."
     "You can't say that."
     "Say what?"
     "Say that you're guilty."
     "Why not? It's true."
     "Because you have the presumption of innocence."
     "But I'm not innocent. I'm guilty."
     "No, you're innocent until proven guilty."
     "What's to prove? I'm guilty."
     "Stop saying that!"
     "And I was on the wrong side of terrorism."
     "And what side is that?"
     "The wrong side."
     In the end, of the nearly 90 witnesses the prosecution called in 11 days, Hasan questioned only 3.
     "Can you tell me the time?"
     "It's 3:47."
     "Thank you."
     "Is today Wednesday?"
     "No, it's Tuesday."
     "Thank you."
     And, finally...
     "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
     "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question."
     "Never mind."
     As I write this, Major Nidal Hasan has been found guilty on 13 counts of capital murder, wounding 31 others, and teaching Miley Cyrus to twerk.
     Now, all that's left is for him to be sentenced. Will it be death? Will it be life in prison? Will he die of the cancer he thought was in remission? No, wait, I'm thinking of Breaking Bad? Well, whatever it is, I can tell you this...
     It will be interesting.

American Chimpanzee

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