Sunday, October 30, 2016

Fifty Shades of Charlie Brown

Linus was heartbroken.
     He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve.
     "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, 'when' he comes."
     But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened.
     "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where are you?"

     Wait a minute...
     You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is?
     Well...
     On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children. However, he visits only the pumpkin patches of the little children who believe in him and rewards those very same little girls and boys for that belief.
     Yeah, Charlie Brown's little sister Sally didn't believe it either.
     "You blockhead!" she yelled at the boy she once had a crush on. "You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and all that came was a beagle! I didn't get a chance to go out for tricks or treats. And it was all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could have had candy apples and gum and cookies and money and all sorts of things. But no! I had to listen to you, you blockhead. What a fool I was. Trick or treats come only once a year, and I missed it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead."
     She then grabbed him and shook him violently.
     "YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION!" she yelled.
     After she had stormed off, Linus looked around.
     "He should have come here," he thought to himself. "He should have come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch and he respects sincerity."
     Dejectedly, Linus picked up the trick-or-treating pillowcase he brought with him to carry home his surplus of Halloween goodies from the Great Pumpkin, but, before he could leave, he hesitated. There was a rustling among the pumpkin vines. Something, or someone, was lurking there.
     Linus was confused. The figure didn't look like a pumpkin at all, much less a great one. In fact, it appeared to be a clown. A fat, creepy-looking clown.
     "Are... are you the Great Pumpkin?" he asked the looming presence before him.
     "No," the clown told him, his big red lips grinning. "I'm John Wayne Gacy."
 
Happy Halloween, Everybody!
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Thursday, October 27, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Dream (Part Two)

Birkenstock Sandals in the Sand
by Hillary Rodham Clinton
 
One night I had a dream.
     I dreamt I was walking along the beach and God was tagging along.
     Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed there were two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to me and the other to the Lord.
    When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints. I couldn't help but noticed that a lot of the time there was only one set of footprints. Sad to say, but this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when Bill would leave to judge the Miss Arkansas pageant or train the interns without me.
    This really chapped my hide, so I confronted God about it.

     "Lord," I told Him, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You, You'd never leave my side, but I've noticed that during the hardest times in my life there is only one set of footprints. Why, when I needed you most, do Your footprints just seem to sneak out the back door?"
     "Um..." God said, hemming and hawing and shuffling on His feet uncomfortably, "those are Bill's."
   
 
American Chimpanzee
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Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Donald Trump's Other Favorite Pick-Up Lines

1) "My heart? I had that surgically removed years ago."
 
2) "Come with me outside so I can show you my tazer."
 
3) "What are you, a lesbian? You are? That's okay. My penis is so small it will be like you're making love to a woman anyway.
 
4) "One thing I would never do is force myself on somebody. That's what Rohypnol is for."
 
5) "You must be some kind of radiation, because I'm getting an abnormal growth in my pants."
 

6) "Me? No, I wouldn't hurt a fly. My bodyguards on the other hand..."
 
7) "But enough about me... Hey! Wake up!"
 
8) "You know, my mother never loved me."
 
9) "I hate women. You seem okay, though."
 
10) "You've heard of Clinton's Don't Ask/Don't Tell? Let me tell you about Donald Trump's Don't Ask/Don't Tell/And I Won't Have To Shoot You In The Head."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Donald Trump's Favorite Pick-Up Lines

1) "You know what would look good on you? ME!"
  
2) "Sure that pick-up line is old, but so am I."
 

3) "Scream all you want. I've had this room sound-proofed."
 
4) "It would cost a lot to make you 'disappear,' but it would be worth it."
 
5) "I'm going to f*ck you in ways you can never imagine. Turn me down, and I'll start with your credit."
 
6) "It's okay that you're a pig. I'll be thinking about Sarah Palin anyway."
 
7)  "Don't worry about my bodyguards. They get paid not to see."

 
8) "Yeah, well, I'M Donald Trump! How about YOU buy ME a drink?"
 

9) "You ever seen a solid-gold dildo?"
 

10) "Your mouth says 'no,' but your lips say 'I want a lollipop.'"

 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Monday, October 24, 2016

Fifty Shades of Vladimir Putin

It was an hour before dawn in the Grand Kremlin Palace in Moscow, the official residence of the Russian President. On his computer in his private office, while others were still deep in sleep, dreaming their communist dreams of stabbing each other in the back, Vladimir Putin was hard at work hacking into Hillary Clinton's campaign email account, much like he did with her unsecured private server when she was Secretary of State.
     "So, Comrade," the sultry voice of Anastasia Steelinski caressed the darkness, "it is true, you are rigging the American presidential election. I find that... incredibly sexy."
     "Madam Comrade," Putin said, coiled and ready to strike. You could say his blood turned cold, but that would be redundant.
     Then he got up from his chair and moved toward her, his arms and legs slithering through the shadows, like a snake discovering an unguarded clutch of eggs. When he stopped, he was so close to her their bodies were almost touching.
     "It is unfortunate that you are up so late at night," he continued. "You were not supposed to see this."
     Ana pressed her soft, warm body against that of the Russian President's. She looked teasingly into his reptilian eyes, her soft full lips pouting seductively.
     "Why, Vladimir," she purred, rubbing up against him, "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
     BANG!
     Sadly, it was a gun.

 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Thursday, October 20, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Dream (Part One)

Doc Martens in the Sand
 
One night Hillary Clinton had a dream.
     She dreamt she was walking along the beach with God.
     Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to her and the other to the Lord.
    When the last scene of Hillary Clinton's life flashed before her, she looked back at the footprints. She noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints. She also noticed that this was at the lowest and saddest times of her life, like when she first heard the news about Monica Lewinski.
    This really bothered her and she questioned God about it.

     "Lord," she said, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You, You'd never leave me, but I have noticed that during the hardest times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me. Why don't you like me, God? What have I done?"
    "Aw, you're okay, Hillary," the Lord replied, "but your husband!"

   
 
American Chimpanzee
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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Still More Trump Tips

10) Pretend you're listening to her. She'll like that.

9) Go ahead and lie to her. A woman might not believe everything you say, but you won't know until you try.

8) Don't worry, crying is good for her.

7) If you've seen the movie Misery, then you know how to make her stay at home where she belongs.
 
6) Sincerity? Yeah, I can fake that.
 
5) Cattle prods make a terrific deal closer.
 
4) Don't worry about her family. They can be bought.
 
3) Making her dress like your mother is hot.
 
2) Making Sarah Palin dress like your mother is even hotter!
 
1) I've checked with my lawyers. If I win, I CAN give myself a presidential pardon.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Even MORE Trump Tips

10) Repeat after me: "It's her word against MINE."

9) Always use a condom. No evidence, no case.

8) If you can't buy HER witnesses, buy your own.

7) Mmm... Sarah Palin.

6) I can do whatever I want, I'm rich.

5) Don't let her touch your hair.

4) I said, NOT THE HAIR!

3) These aren't the droids your looking for. Move along.

2) Try not to salivate so much when you kiss her. Take it from me, she won't like that.

1) When you take a DNA test, always take someone else's DNA.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Friday, October 14, 2016

More Trump Tips

10) Personally, I've found women like to affectionately be called "Hey, you" or "What's your name again?".

9) Financially ruining her parents will make her think twice about leaving you, just as...
 
8) Ruining her reputation is sure to make her come crawling back.
 
7) I've never used Viagra. I don't even know what that is.

6) Don't pay your contract workers. It shows her you're just one of the guys.

5) In a gang-bang, always insist on going first.

4) First you pay her to OPEN her mouth, then you pay her to keep her mouth CLOSED.

3) When you're done having your filthy way with her, respectfully say, "You can let yourself out."

2) What if she doesn't want to leave? Tell me, what are you paying your security for?

1) Remember, bleach will get out those stubborn blood stains.
 
 
American Chimpanzee 
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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Donald Trump's Top Ten Dating Tips

10) Grab them by the p*ssy. They like that.

9) "No" means yes.

8) Drop an "incentive" into their drink when they're not looking. What they don't know won't hurt them.

7) If they have small children, a veiled threat works wonders.

6) Pornography always gets them in the mood.

5) Interrupt them constantly.

4) Be sure to point out how abnormally large your fingers are, especially when they're not.

3) If she wants to go Downtown, tell her she has to go "downtown" first.

2) Don't skimp on your hidden recording equipment.

1) Need more advice? Talk to Bill Cosby.
 
 
  American Chimpanzee
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Sunday, October 9, 2016

Donald Trump's Dream

Gucci Loafers in the Sand
by Donald J. Trump
 
One night, I had a dream.
     I dreamt I was walking along a very beautiful beach with the Lord. As we walked, scenes from my wonderful life flashed across the sky. I couldn't help but notice that for each scene there were two sets of footprints in the sand.
     One belonging to me and the other to God.
     When the last scene flashed before my eyes, I looked back at the footprints. That's when I saw that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that this happened at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when I found out that it was wrong to date my daughter.
     This really bothered me, so I decided to ask Him about it.
     "God," I told Him, "I've had a pretty terrific life, but I've got to tell You, You've disappointed me. Rosie O'Donnell I can understand, but not You. You promised me that if I accepted You into my life, You would always walk by my side, but it seems to me that You haven't lived up to Your end of the deal. Even You can see that during the hardest times in my life there is only one set of footprints. Why would You, when I needed You most,  leave me?"
     And God replied, "Because, Donald... you're such a smuck!"
 
 
  American Chimpanzee
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Thursday, October 6, 2016

The Folly of Kim Jong-un

Well, it's official.
     I'm banned from North Korea.
     In a stunning move that shook the world, Kim Jong-un, North Korea's oval oppressor, has (I'm not kidding) outlawed sarcasm in his country. His main paranoia being that those who agree with or praise him are doing so ironically. "This is all America's fault," has now come to mean, "Nanny, nanny boo-boo."
      "I am repealing the First Amendment to our constitution," he announced.
     "That's the United States," Kim Jeng-a, his older brother, dared to correct him, and was then immediately riddled with bullets.
     "An obvious suicide," Kim commented, stepping over him on his way to a doughnut.
     In a way, I blame myself. Not many people know this, but Kim Jong-un and I went to the same prestigious school for dictators in Switzerland in the late 90s together, the Liebefeld Steinholzli School & Fish Market. It was located in Koniz, near Bern. I went there on a dancing scholarship.
     He really wasn't part of the group I hung out with, but somehow he always managed to find out where we were and would show up uninvited. It wasn't until later that we discovered he had tracking devices implanted in us. I'd rather not say where.
     From what I remember, he was good at math, but did poorly in his other classes, like Roller Skate Dancing and Advanced Pimple Popping 101. Still, we tried to make him feel like he was one of the gang.
     "Kim," I used to trash-talk him, "you're so short you could work as a bouncer at a roach motel."
      "Ah, good one, Mister Jim," Kim would exclaim, and then laugh a fraction of a second too long.
     He was socially awkward, which, I guess, is better than being awkwardly social. Normal social cues were just out of his reach, so, as a result, he would either laugh too long or too loud or at inappropriate times.
     "My dog just died."
     "Ha, ha, ha! Good one, Mister Jim."
     But all that is neither here nor there. Well, it might be here, but it's definitely not there. Unless there means here, in which case it would be both here AND there.
     What happened is that when Kim Jong-un had his father assassinated, er... I mean, when his father died of natural causes and Kim became North Korea's latest tyrant du jour, he quickly got sick and tired of all the backhanded compliments he kept receiving from the other despots of the world. Russian president Vladimir Putin was especially fond of "Putin" it to the young dictator.
     "Comrade, you are so smart it only takes you three hours to watch 60 Minutes."
      Chinese president, Sum Ting Wong, couldn't help but join in on the fun.
     "Yes, and you are very handsome as well. You are so handsome that you don't have to worry about birth control. Your face does just fine by itself."
      Impotent around the other mocking world leaders, Kim had no choice but to take it out on his loyal subjects, the only ones he had the power to bully.
     "Obviously, they have too good a life eating tree bark and drinking grass soup that they have become audacious and disrespectful," Kim told the closest of his advisors whom he hadn't ordered to be executed yet. Everywhere he went, his loving chattel showered him with compliments, but he was suspicious of them all.
     "Surely, behind their hungry smiles and sunken eyes, they must be hiding their true sarcastic feelings."
     "That's a nice haircut, Chairman."
     "Have him shot."
     "You look so thin, Supreme Leader."
     "He thinks I'm fat. Boil him in oil."
     "Hot oil, your excellency?"
     "Of course I mean hot oil! What other kind of oil can a person be boiled in? And, when you're done, feed yourself to the pigs for your stupidity."
     Even the elderly women, who had always found him so cute as a young child they couldn't help but pinch his chubby little cheeks, weren't above suspicion.
     "May I kiss your hand, Devine One?"
      "Of course you may." To his bodyguard he said: "Feed this wanton woman to the pigs, but do it gently. She IS my grandmother, after all."
     His oldest brother, the wise Kim Djang-o (the "D" is silent), who had been educated in America, spoke to him.
     "Kim?"
     "Yes, Kim?"
     "It is folly that you take away the people's capacity for sarcasm, and it will be your undoing. Listen to me, my brother, for I wish to save you from the sad fate our Muslim friends call the Gaddafi Shuffle. We are the poorest country on this humble planet, and yet you spend what money we have and what money we receive from other, greater countries on nuclear missiles that don't work and an Army we don't need. You can starve our people of food and their bodies may still work, but, if you starve their minds, they will wither away and die. Take care, lest they rise up as one, a mighty dragon seeking retribution. To think, to speak, to joke, to laugh... these are all gifts from the Gods, even sarcasm. They should be honored, not outlawed,"
      Kim Jong-un sat there, mainly because he was too heavy to stand. After a thoughtful pause, he spoke.
      "You have given me much to think about, my brother."
     To his bodyguard he said: "Are the pigs still hungry?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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