I was there for the first presentation with Steve Jobs, and, once again, present on Tuesday (9-10-13) for the unveiling of the new iPhone 5 by Apple's CEO, Tim "I Know I'm Not Steve Jobs" Cook.
"The business has become so large," Tim "But I'm Trying My Best" Cook said. "We're going to replace it with not one, but TWO new designs. In other words, we're repackaging the same old crap and selling it to a loyal, but gullible, public."
He was talking about Apple's unveiling of its two new iPhones, the expensive 5c and the over-priced 5s.
Complimentary iPhones were handed out to us as bribes for good reviews and positive word-of-mouth. I received the state-of-the-art 5s, and, let me tell you, I was impressed. You won't believe a fraction of what the new iPhone can do.
"Wow," I said, gently holding my new iPhone 5s in my hands. "You're pretty sweet."
"Thanks," it answered, with a soft, feminine voice. "You're not so bad yourself."
Before I could be surprised, the man standing next to me did his best impersonation of Mama Cass and started choking on a ham sandwich. The iPhone 5s pushed me back.
"Call 911," she commanded, and proceeded to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Something flew out of the man's mouth. He was able to breathe again.
"Thank you," he told me, clearly confused about what had just transpired. Before I could answer, however, Apple's Private Security Force, the PSF, pushed me roughly out of the way. By the time I regained my composure, the man had disappeared.
I never saw him again.
I looked around. My iPhone 5s was gone too. Just then, my old cell phone came alive in my jacket pocket with Play That Funky Music, White Boy by Wild Cherry. Someone was calling me. It was the iPhone 5s.
"Meet me in the alley," she whispered
So I snuck off from the presentation. Tim "So Give Me A Chance" Cook eyed me suspiciously as I left. She was already waiting for me outside.
"You can't tell anybody about what you just saw," she told me. "Go back to El Paso, Jim. Go back to El Paso before Tim "And Don't Fire Me" Cook makes you disappear."
"Freeze!" a PSF agent barked. He had a glock in each hand. With a swift kick the iPhone 5s knocked them both from his grasp. The agent tried a quick jab, but she was faster, and smoothly blocked it. She punched him in his solar plexus. Hard. He folded faster than Superman on laundry day.
"Oh my God," I yelled out. "He's going into cardiac arrest!"
"Quick," she ordered, "place me on his chest."
I did. She acted like a defibrillator. With a jolt of well-placed electricity she got his heart started again.
"You've got to leave, Jim. Now!"
"I'll always love you," she said, tenderly. And then she kissed me. I could feel her salty tears on my lips. "Please... you've got to go."
So I did.
I ran out of the alley.
When I was safely hidden across the street I looked back. I could see other PSF agents taking my beloved iPhone 5s away in handcuffs. A gun to her head. The fallen agent already "disappeared." I never saw her again, but, like I said...
...you wouldn't believe it.