Monday, September 16, 2013

Hmmm... Vaginas

I was looking through one of my wife's women magazines, because, if there's one thing I learned from Clint Eastwood in the movie Heartbreak Ridge, it's that I should know my--for lack of a better word--enemy.
     Sun Tzu, a Chinese general for the King of Wu, put it this way over two and a half thousand years ago:

     If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

     I know myself like I know the back of my hand (Hey, I never noticed that spot before.), but women (in general) and my wife (in particular) continue to be a mystery to me, and THAT'S why (when nobody's looking) I'll occasionally open up one of my wife's magazines and see what the competition is up to.
     Except for Cosmopolitan.
     I find that magazine essentially worthless when it comes to supplying its readership with accurate and helpful information, but, for any lawyers who are reading this, that's just my opinion. Let me give you an example...
     It seems that every other article in Cosmo are about tips on how a woman can drive her man wild in bed. They offer tricks and techniques and tactics, but, truthfully--between me and you--a man doesn't need all those tricks and techniques and tactics. Ladies, all you need to do to drive your man wild in bed is...
     ...say yes.
     As comedian Ron White humorously pointed out, she doesn't need to flick her man's frenulum. All she needs to do is show up.
     But I digress...
     I was looking through one of my wife's women magazines, and I found an advertisement for a Vaginal Cream.
     Hmmm, I thought to myself. Vaginas.
     The tag line for the product was:

After menopause, intercourse can be painful.
But it doesn't have to be.

And underneath a picture of a pretty flower, it said:

Discover a prescription that can help:
P------- (conjugated estrogens) Vaginal Cream.

     While "painful intercourse" might be a problem for some women after menopause, I found it amusing (in a scary way) that the cure is WAY worse than the, for lack of a better word, disease.
     Here are some of the warnings and safety information the advertisement offered:
     If a woman uses estrogen alone, she may increase her chances of getting cancer of the uterus.
     If a woman uses this particular Vaginal Cream and her vagina starts to bleed unusually, as opposed to bleeding usually, then she should report it.
     Report it? To whom? FBI? NSA? TMZ? The advertisement doesn't say.
     A woman should not use estrogens, with or without progestins (whatever they are), to prevent heart disease, heart attacks, strokes or dementia. However, if a woman does use estrogens. with or without progestins, it might increase her risk of getting dementia. In other words, she's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't.
     If a woman uses estrogen alone, it might increase her chances of having a stroke or getting single or multiple blood clots, but if she uses estrogen with progestins, that might just cause her to have a heart attack, a stroke, get breast cancer, blood clots, maybe none of the above, maybe all of the above, or maybe only some of the above.
     The advertisement also warns that a woman shouldn't use their product if she has unusual vaginal bleeding, has or has had cancer, has had a stroke or a heart attack, has a bleeding disorder, is allergic to any or all of its ingredients, or even if she just thinks she's pregnant. So let me understand this, if you have any or all of these problems you shouldn't use this product, but if you don't have any or all of these problems... you STILL shouldn't use it, because this product might just give them to you.
     And we haven't even gotten to this product's common side effects, which are: headaches, pelvic pains, breast pains, vaginal bleeding, and vaginitis.
     I don't even know what vaginitis is.
     But I do know this, the purpose of this cream--this Vaginal Cream--is to make sex for the woman more pleasurable. Can someone please tell me how headaches, pelvic and breast pains, vaginal bleeding, and vaginitis put a woman in the mood for sex? Sometimes all that has to happen to break the mood for my wife is for the air conditioner to come on.
     A doctor once told me that you don't want to have a woman's reproduction system before the age of fifty, and you don't want to have a man's reproductive system after the age of fifty.
     I don't think I'd want to have a woman's reproductive system, for lack of a better word...

American Chimpanzee

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