Monday, September 9, 2013

Men Are From Mars, Women Are Crazy

I was watching James Cameron's Titanic on TV the other night. My wife likes watching tragic love stories, while I like watching a naked Kate Winslet.
     "Well, there's your answer," I told my wife as the credits ran.
     "My answer?" she repeated. "My answer to what?"
     "To why men get paid more than women."
     Her eyes flared, and she hit me. You know, she hits pretty hard for a girl.
     I don't know why she hit me, and I don't think she knows why either. It was a reaction. A reaction reinforced by the knowledge that I wouldn't hit her back.
     If I called 911, and reported her for spousal abuse, after the police were done laughing at me, I'd be the one who'd get taken to jail. All she'd have to do is cry and tell them I was a meanie, and they'd have me in handcuffs faster than Rosie O'Donnell chasing a donut downhill.
     That's another reason men get paid more than women.
     What am I talking about? Well, I'll tell you just like I told my wife, only don't hit me.
     While it's true that women might do the same job as men, what they fail to understand is that there are extenuating circumstances that make it well and proper for that man to get paid more than her. In the case of Titanic, I'm referring to all those poor men who gave up their seats on the lifeboats to women and children. Women and children? Yeah, women and children first. Women and those stinkin' children. Uh, I mean yours, not mine. And when the time came for Kate Winslet to scoot over on that perfectly large piece of wood she was saving herself from drowning on, and help Leonardo DiCaprio up, so that he could be saved, too, she didn't. When she woke up after a nice refreshing nap, she discovered poor frozen Leo dead, but still clutching onto the board for what had been dear life. She dislodged him from that board, and he floated down into the ocean's depths, lost forever. Which was odd, if you think about it, because both ice and dead bodies float. Later, when the old Kate Winslet character dies, she finds herself transported to a heaven that looks an awful lot like the Titanic. It's filled with all the people who drowned, and there, at the top of the stairs, is Leonardo DiCaprio anxious to spend the rest of eternity with her.
     My wife was pouring saltwater from her eyes at this point.
     "It's so romantic," she sobbed.
     Myself, I thought little Leo should have been anxiously running in the opposite direction, because I couldn't help but wonder what happened to the old Kate Winslet's character's husband.
     "What husband?" you ask.
     Well, you do the math. She has a granddaughter with her on that boat, so obviously she must have gotten married, had children, and those children had children, too. I couldn't help but think that her poor husband--the one who married her, had children with her, had a life with her--was waiting in another part of Heaven for a wife who would never appear, because she's too busy whoring around for all eternity with a fabulously overrated actor.
     Furthermore, I don't know what significance the necklace she threw overboard had to her dead lover, because it was her rich fiancĂ© who gave it to her.
     So, you tell me, who do YOU think should get paid more. The men in this movie, or the fat cranky floozy?
     Besides, as a man I'm expected to pick up the check and pay for the date. If there's a last piece of pastry, I'm expected to give it up. That's right, the woman gets it. (I guess that explains Kate Winslet and her Body-By-Pillsbury.) I'm also expected to let myself get beaten up protecting a girl, any girl. I don't even need to know the girl. All I need to know is how to take a punch.
     You don't think the man who gets woken up to check downstairs, because of a noise she heard, and gets killed by who ever is robbing them, doesn't deserve a bigger paycheck? Pleeease. Not to mention that that same man, had he lived, would have worked for the rest of his life to support her and her kids.
     If a woman works, that's her money to shop with.
     It's well known that when Columbus sailed away to discover the new world, he did that to get away from his nagging wife and 8 crying kids. Cavemen were killed by the dinosaurs they hunted, while the women stayed behind and gossiped as they gathered nuts and berries. (By the way, do you know what a redneck's last words are? "Watch this!") Men walk on the outside of the sidewalk so that the woman doesn't get spattered by a passing car. Why, the cost for men in dry-cleaning alone...
     I remember watching an episode of The Sopranos, where a guy is standing on the street minding his own business.
     "Can you give me a ride home?" a girl, who had just been violently arguing with her psycho boyfriend a few seconds before, asked him.
     "What?" the guy said to her.
     "Whack!" the golf club swung by the girlfriend's still angry boyfriend said to his head.
     "Crack!" said the guy's skull to the business end of that golf club.
     Now, you tell me... who do YOU think the girl had sex with that night? I'm betting it wasn't the guy she asked for help.
     And that's why he deserves to get paid more than her.

American Chimpanzee

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