So when he called me to do some damage control concerning this morning's 12th Anniversary Celebration of the 9-11 terrorist attack in New York City, I said: "Yes, Mr. President. I'll take care of it."
He was, of course, referring to the obvious faux paus of Mayor Bloomberg not inviting the surviving First Responders who heroically risked life and limb to save fellow Americans in the cowardly attack that brought down the World Trade Center.
"I'd do it myself, like I did with bin Laden," he told me, "but I'll be at the golf course. As-Salaam alaykum."
So this column is for all you First Responders--police officers, firemen, and, yeah, you Don't Ask/Don't Tellers in the military, too--complaining that you weren't invited to the table with the grown-ups. Everybody else can stop reading. You can go find out on TMZ if Jennifer Anniston's been dumped yet.
Now, all of you First Responders listen up. I only want to say this once, and, when I'm done, I'll deny ever having said it at all. There's a reason you weren't invited to the party, and that reason is... we don't care about you! You guys are nothing but bad news and a sorrowful reminder of what happened that day. Oh, sure, we like you to show up when the shite hits the fan. Who else are we going to call? George Soros? Bernie Maddoff? Get real. So it's for the best that you stayed home and watched the festivities on TV like the rest of the marks on the midway. You would have only distracted us from the true heroes of 9-11: the actors, actresses, and politicians who have bravely stood up to the greatest enemy our country has ever faced... The Tea Party.
You didn't miss much. The celebration was hosted by Matt Damon. He gave a riveting speech about the selfishness of the American people, and why everybody should be paying more in taxes, and then he introduced Miley Cyrus, who premiered her new video, which, oddly enough, gave me a new appreciation for what you can do with a wrecking ball. Quick cuts to the audience showed Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian nodding approvingly.
Gloria Steinem spoke about a woman's God-given right to kill her unborn baby--or, as Ms. Steinem likes to call it, "fluffing pillows"--while it's still in the comfort and safety of its mother's womb.
"I wish I were young again," she proudly declared, "so I, too, could get pregnant and murder my child! Just like the old days!"
George Clooney, who managed to sneak away from his private villa in Italy and girlfriend du jour, forcefully told us that we should all be paying more in taxes. And then he gave a moving tribute to the not-so-recently deceased Amy Winehouse, who would have turned 30 this month had she lived.
"A true tragedy," Clooney said, looking heavenward "and a real American hero. We'll always remember, we'll never forget."
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then joined their old friend, and frequent third-wheel in the bedroom, onstage, where they revealed that, to commemorate the 12th anniversary of 9-11, they had adopted each other in an expression of their love for one another, for their country, and for free publicity.
Then it was President Obama's turn to shine. Through the miracle of modern technology, he tweeted everyone in the country that, while we're honoring the victims of 9-11, we should never forget who the true enemy is: Sarah Palin.
"And why aren't you guys paying higher taxes?"
The Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson then took the stage. After being made to give it back, Al Sharpton explained how 9-11 was all about Al Sharpton. Jesse Jackson then extorted "contributions" from those present. Those who didn't chip in their fair share were obviously racists.
Then it was time for a true American patriot: Canadian Justin "I Like My Men Like I Like My Coffee, With A Big Dick" Bieber. He shuffled onstage wearing his too-big pants and his too-big baseball cap, and explained in a heartfelt explanatory explanation how he'll always remember where he was the day those Twin Towers came down... in his mother's womb. He then slapped his black bodyguards in the face because he could, picked a fight with an invalid in a wheelchair, pretended to be held back while watching his black bodyguards beat up that invalid in a wheelchair, and climaxed (heh, heh... climaxed) his impromptu performance by peeing in a mop bucket to the delighted squeals of all the leeches on his payroll. Forgetting to sing his latest hit Wannabe, he sped away in his Ferrari Notestostarona, running over 7 of his biggest fans in the process, who were then beaten up by his black bodyguards.
The finale was a mass gay marriage. The ceremony was performed by Mayor Bloomberg, who, oddly enough, is an ordained minister in The Church of Scientology. A subdued Lady Gaga, dressed respectfully as the Twin Towers, supplied the wedding music/fashion show.
When the thousands of gay and inter-species couples said "I do," Lady Gaga exploded, leaving only a pile of smoking rubble where she had just been standing. A little black dog walked over and sniffed the smoldering debris, but, nope, she was as gone as Lindsay Lohan's career.
So you see, First Responders, you weren't necessary. But don't get us wrong, we weren't telling you not to show up... we were telling you to get lost!
We'll call you if someone breaks a nail.