Saturday, September 7, 2013

Dear John: Special Ron Jeremy Edition!

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!

Dear John,
     My 20 year-old son joined the Army when he was 18. At his first duty station, he caught his barracks roommate, whom he thought was his best friend, stealing from him. My son felt betrayed and began isolating himself from his peers.
     He recently had a permanent change of duty station, and I am concerned that even with this fresh start he is not making friends. He was always a fun-loving, sociable and adventurous teen with lots of friends. Now he locks himself in his barracks room at the end of each workday.
     I know he is lonely, but he is hiding it from his pears, most of whom are much older than he is and married with children, just like Al Bundy.
     He gets angry when I encourage him to reach out to people and would be very upset if I intervened. He lives on the opposite side of the country. I want to help him, but I don't know how.

Dear Worried,
Your son is what we in the industry like to call...
...a WUSSY!

Dear John,
     I love my husband, and he loves me. We have been married for 30 years. Our sex life has diminished. He would not believe me if I told him I think about sex all the time. He also listens impatiently. I wait for a time when he is not watching TV or doing a chore to talk with him, but it seems there is never a good time.
     What he and most men should remember is that for women conversation is foreplay. If I don't think you like me, why would I want to dress sexy for you? It seems pointless.
     My husband doesn't realize how much it appears that he dows not enjoy having me around. When I mentioned it, he looked at me like I was crazy. I think he doesn't like seeing the "old" me, but I am still me. My hair may be gray, and I have some wrinkles and bumps, but I exercise every day and watch what I eat. Mainly, I watch the food as it enters my mouth so I can eat it. My shape has changed over the years, but I am still fairly attractive.
     Guys, understand that we all get older. Your wife changes, but so do you. Please see her for the vibrant, sexy woman she is within. And if you love her, you must like her, too. that means being interested and enjoying her company.

Dear Sad,
They say beauty is skin deep, but, in your case, ugly goes all the way to the bone.

Dear John,
     I read the letter from "Staying Classy," the woman who doesn't know how to respond when people comment on her large breasts.
     I am a short, fat, middle-aged bald man and was always teased about my large breasts until I started using the comeback: "Yeah, they're almost as big as my...!"
     Perhaps that would help classy.
     --Also Classy

Dear Also,
You know, there's a series of fetish videos that you would be perfect for. If you're interested, you should get in touch with Ron Jeremy.

Confidential to
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why." Some men see things that never were and ask "Why not?"
I just say, "Just show me the cash, bee-yotch!"
American Chimpanzee

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