Friday, September 27, 2013

Dear John: Special "Breaking Bad" Edition

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!

Dear John,
     My wife of 50 years told me that a longtime friend has called her twice trying to have phone sex. I EXPLODED!
     She told me not to say anything because it would ruin our friendship with this couple. I called him on the phone and confronted him anyway and told him he disrespected my wife, me, his wife, women in general, and all of humanity in particular. He did not deny what he had done. Instead he asked me what I was wearing.
     Frankly, I don't blame him too much. I had sex with his wife of fifty years about five years ago, and she was pretty lame. Still, as far as I'm concerned, he totally crossed Obama's red line, and I consider our friendship over.
     My wife, however, continues to take his phone calls.
     What do you think?

Dear Mad,
You've all been married FIFTY years? That would put everybody at about seventy-years-old. Jeez, that's gross!

Dear John,
     I have been with my husband for 19 years, and never had any serious issues with our marriage until four years ago. That's when I discovered that my husband was having an affair. He's been lying to me about it for nearly three years, telling me his work schedule changed. We sought marriage counseling, but he wouldn't go back after the first session.
     He knows that I know that he knows that I have all of the details of his relationship with this woman. He says he's trying to work on our marriage, but I am not sure he's sincere. I thought I could trust him, but he broke my heart.
     I have processed all of the disappointments and believe I can move on, but my  husband says he wants to save our marriage. I don't want to set myself up to be hurt again.
     What should I do?

Dear Hurt,
I'm sorry, but I don't see what the problem is.

Dear John,
     My father admitted to having an affair a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and threatened to leave, but somehow he talked her into staying. However, he is still seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours, and he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother alone for extended periods of time. I constantly tell her and tell her and tell her about what my dad does, but she just turns her head and tries to change the subject.
     When I ask her why my dad and his whore are still in contact, she doesn't answer. So I'll ask her again. And again and again and again. But it's no use. My father, on the other hand, seems to think he isn't doing anything wrong.
     Normally, I wouldn't get involved (Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I would!), but I'm worried about my mother's health, which wasn't great to begin with, and seems to get worse every time I tell her about dad's latest shenanigans.
     Is there anything I can do in this situation?

Dear Worried,
Yeah, you can keep your pie-hold shut.

Confidential to Miley Cyrus
While I enjoyed your performance on MTV's recent VMA's, it's unfortunate that Robin Thicke took fashion advice from Beetlejuice.

Confidential to Breaking Bad Fans
It was all a dream.

American Chimpanzee

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