Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Psychic Or Psycho?

There's an old Episode of The Twilight Zone, where the first of the two Dicks from Bewitched flips a quarter and the coin lands on its edge.
     As a kid, I tried endlessly to accomplish the same feat, because I believed it would give me what it gave him: the ability to read other people's minds. Did it? No, it was another one of my childhood disappointments. Along the lines of finding out the truth about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and my parent's afternoon "naps."
     I had all but forgotten that classic TV episode... until last Friday. That's when, as I was getting ready for a date with a girl I had met on the internet, I flipped a quarter to help me decide which restaurant to take my date to. Heads would be a nice restaurant along the lines of the Olive Garden, and tails would be a world-famous restaurant along the lines of McDonald's.
     The coin landed on its edge.
     I took this to be a good sign. We'll eat Chinese. You can't get too full eating Chinese. Too full for what? I'd answer, but I'm trying to keep my humor blog G-rated.
     I left the quarter standing on its edge for luck, finished getting ready, and started on my way out. I walked over to my fish tank, and peered through the dirty, but still clear, glass. My little goldfish were swimming around energetically. They always get happy when they see me.
     "Aieee! Aieee!"
     What the...?
     I was hearing little screams inside my head. What the heck was going on? Was I going insane? If I was, this would probably be a plus on my date.
     "I'm hungry," another voice in my head said. It sounded like Droopy, the old cartoon dog I used to watch when I was a kid.
     I looked around, to see if I could pinpoint where these voices I was hearing were coming from. There was only my dog. He was laying in his bed, looking up at me. Our eyes met. His tail began to wag.
     "Is he gonna feed me? I think he's gonna feed me. I'm soooo hungry."
     I walked out of my apartment, kind of in a daze, and kind of creeped out by what just happened.
     "Jerk!" I heard a thought come at me from somewhere behind me.
     Once outside, I immediately felt better. I got in my car, and drove over to pick up my date. There was a lot of static coming from my car radio. Conflicting voices from different radio stations blending into one another.
     When she came to the door, she looked quite lovely.
     "You look very nice," I told her.
     "That's sweet," she answered. "Thank you." What does he mean by that? He thinks I'm fat! I knew I should have worn black. I knew I shouldn't have had that donut.
     I took a step back, and paused. It was all starting to sink in.
     "Um...," I asked her, cautiously, "do you like Chinese?"
     "I love Chinese." I hate Chinese.
     "Good," I told her, fumbling for words. "I thought we'd eat before the movie."
     "Good." What does he mean by that? Is he saying I look so fat I must be hungry, and he has to hurry up to fill the trough for his little piglet to eat? I'll show him. I'm going to see whatever's the most expensive item on the menu, and I'm going to order THAT.
     "You know," I said, purposely changing the subject, "you look just like your picture."
     "I do?"
     "You sure do."
     What does he mean by that? Is he saying I look fat in my picture, too?
     Surely, there must be something I can say to ease her hostility.
     "I thought I'd let you choose the movie," I tried.
     "Something with a lot of action. I love a good action movie." Why did Twilight have to end? I'd kill to see Les Miserables again.
     "How about Les Miserables?"
     "Well... if you insist." Why would he choose a musical? Is he being condescending to me because I'm a female. What straight man wants to see Les Miserables?
     She closed and locked her door, and we walked down to my car.
     I wonder if he's going to open my door for me? If he wants to get anywhere with me, he'd better be a gentleman.
     I opened my car door for her.
     What? He doesn't think I can open my own door? If he thinks being a gentleman is going to get him anywhere with me, he's got another thing coming.
     We drove the rest of the way to the restaurant in silence. Well... kind of.
     I wonder what my ex-boyfriend's doing? I really miss him. Is he even out of prison yet?
     I stopped in front of the restaurant.
     "Do you want to get us a table while I find a place to park?"
     "Of course." Jerk!
     I left.
     When I got home, I walked through the front door.
     "Aieee!"  said the fish.
     "Food?" said the dog.
     I walked over to where the quarter still stood on its edge. I picked it up, and put it in my pocket.
     Forget that.

American Chimpanzee

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