Friday, October 4, 2013

ObamaCare 4 Suckers

The thing that bothers me most about doctors pre-ObamaCare is that when you called them to make an appointment, they gave you one, but it was weeks--maybe months--in the future, and then, when they examined you, they asked why you waited so long to see them.
     I had a friend whose health care professional called him with his test results.
     "I have some bad news, and then I have some REALLY bad news," the doctor admitted. "The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live."
     "Oh my God," my friend cried. "What can be worse than THAT?"
     "I couldn't get ahold of you yesterday."
     Another friend of mine was told by his physician that he would have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life. So what was wrong with that?
     His doctor only gave him FOUR pills.
     The third of my five ex-wives once asked, "Dr. Smith, how long after the operation will I have to wait before I can have sex again?"
     The doctor hemmed and hawed, and then he said, "You know, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy."
     I remember one time when I had to go to the doctor. I walked into the office and told the receptionist, "I think I need to get my eyes checked."
     "No kidding," she said. "This is the Ladies Room."
     When I finally found my way to the proper office, my doctor gave me the bad news that I would only be able to resume my romantic life as soon as I could climb five flights of stairs without becoming winded.
     "Doc," I asked him, "what if I just find myself a woman who lives on the ground floor?"
     So what can we expect post-ObamaCare? Nothing but good things, my friends. Nothing but good things. For example, your proctologist will now be required to use TWO fingers, just in case you want a second opinion. Also, if you can't afford the operation, your physician will now be authorized to touch up your X-rays for you.
     With ObamaCare, medical science will now be able to make a lot of progress in the development of new miracle drugs. No matter what illness you have, soon the doctors will be able to keep you alive long enough for you to pay your bill. Speaking of miracle drugs, if penicillin is such a wonder drug, then why can't it cure bread mole?
     Under the Affordable Care Act doctors will be required--required, I tell you--to develop a good bedside manner. The example they give is a man receiving a phone call from the emergency room doctor. The doctor tells him, "Your wife was in a serious accident. She's lost both of her arms and both of her legs. She'll need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life. Every waking moment of your life will have to be spent taking care of her."
     "Oh my God," the man says. "My life is over. Over.
     "Aw, I was just kidding. Your wife is dead."
     See what the doctor did there in that example? He turned bad news into good news. Now that's what I call a good bedside manner.
     Another example of a doctor exhibiting good bedside manners, is the story where a horrible mistake is made in surgery, and, instead of a vasectomy, a man was given a complete sex-change operation.
     "Oh, noooo!" the unfortunate patient cried out when he was given the bad news. "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!"
     "Sure you will," the surgeon told him soothingly. "Only it will belong to someone else."
     Which reminds me of a joke:

What's the definition of minor surgery?
An operation performed on someone else.

     When you go to the dentist, if your complaint is that it costs you over a hundred dollars to have your tooth pulled, while it only costs the dentist a few minutes of his time, then he has the option to extract it  v...e...r...y  s...l...o...w...l...y  if you like.
     Yes, at the dentist's office, the patient will be king. Or queen, as the case may be. I can very well picture the scenario where a woman will be told by her dentist that he's unfortunately going to have to drill a tooth.
     If the woman answers, "That sounds so painful, I think I'd rather have a baby."
     Her dentist will reply, "Well, make up your mind. I don't want to adjust the chair for nothing."
     There are some women who are cursed, or blessed (depending on your point of view), to have an orgasm every time they sneeze, in which case the ObamaCare doctor will be more than happy to write out as many prescriptions for black pepper as they would like. And when he does write out that prescription, he'll be required to write it out in handwriting that is neat and legible. Which reminds me of a joke:

Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?
No one could read the ransom notes.

     General anesthesia--as opposed to sargeant anesthesia--will now be required for ALL surgeries, even the ones involving your mother-in-law. One thing I've always found interesting about anesthesia is how you go to sleep in one room and wake up in another. Just like college.
     If women are ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, they won't be unplugged until they've lost that last five pounds. If they have a cough, they'll be given a whole box of Ex-Lax to eat. That way, they'll be AFRAID to cough.
     With ObamaCare, it's all about keeping cost down for the average American tax-payer. But even I think they're going a little too far with coin-operated bedpans.
     Which reminds me of a joke:

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

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