Monday, October 21, 2013

Are You Psychic?

Are you psychic?
     I am, my friends. And let me tell you what a blessing it's been in my life. Why, just the other day I was faced with the decision, "Do I want to pay an extra dollar for the Power Play on my Powerball ticket? My Third Eye told me "no," so I didn't. Well, let me tell you, when the numbers were called and I didn't get a single one, I had to thank my psychic powers for saving me that dollar.
     But this isn't about me, it's about you. I can sense you asking yourself, "Am I psychic?" "Do I have a sixth sense?" "Will Obama ever dye his hair?"
     My answer to you is, "Why don't we find out together?"
     Imagine being able to talk with your own Spirit Guide. Imagine having the power to look into your future. Imagine having avoided that round of penicillin shots. (You know what round of penicillin shots I'm talking about. Sure, you do.)
     There's a life you were destined to live, my friends. Discover it. Embrace it. But don't embrace it too enthusiastically, however. You don't want to be accused of sexual harassment. I learned that the hard way.
     Gifted psychic, Carlos Peligro, had taught hundreds, maybe thousands--even millions!--of people to do just that, and I was one of the fortunate few to learn his secrets.
     "Mr. Danger," I asked him, using the English translation of his last name, "if I'm psychic, wouldn't I be able to just read your mind and learn all your secrets without having to pay you $24.95?"
     "Pish, posh," he answered. "Pish, posh."
     Well, I couldn't argue with logic like that, and neither can you, so, for a small donation of $24.95, I'll help you contact your Spirit Guide so that, for an additional $24.95, he can help you find your Life's Path. You'll be able to read other people's minds and wallets. You'll be able to attract the right people to you. People with $24.95.
     You'll be able to distinguish real Psychic Insight from wishful thinking. Psychic Reality from your imagination. Psychic Ability from a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Just the other night I dreamt I was in a flood. When I was awoke, I wondered, "Is this a warning of some kind? An urgent premonition of some future calamity?" As it turned out, I had just wet the bed.
     But my point is this: I wasn't fooled. I was able to tell the difference between a dream and... and... you know, that thing where you know what's going to happen before it does. (What? I should just use my psychic ability to find out what that word is? You are a funny person, my friend.)
     Did you know there is a Healing Power in the Supernatural World? There is. You have to look no further than the movie The Exorcist or The Conjuring to see it. This morning, when I tried to start my 83' Yugo (I keep it because it's a classic), it just wouldn't start. I cranked it and I cranked it, but it was as dead as my ex-wife's soul. After priming the carburetor with a little gasoline from the plastic milk jug I keep in the trunk, I put my left hand on the dash, releasing my Psychic Energy, as I turned the key with my right. And do you know what? After a few more attempts at priming the carburetor... the city bus came along and picked me up!
     Let me give you another example of how Psychic Powers can help you. I was at a sporting event recently--I came this >< close to winning the trifecta--and I saw a gentleman wearing those types of athletic shoes that have toes. If that gentleman had only been able to tap his Psychic Powers, he would have known how ridiculous he looked wearing shoes with toes.
     At another sporting event, I remember thinking to myself, "What inning are we in?" Wait a minute, this is football, they don't have innings. But what DO they have? I called upon my Third Eye. What is it? What is it? I called upon my Sixth Sense. Let's see, Beyoncé sang at the Super Bowl's... HALFTIME! It there's a half, then there must be a quarter. That's it... QUARTER!
     "What quarter are we in, honey?" I asked my wife. Once again, my Psychic Ability came through for me.
     Have you ever wondered what happens when we die? Me, too. Let me know if you ever find out. In the meantime, you can busy yourself learning how to communicate with animals. This was a recent conversation between my dog and myself:
     "Buster... Buster.. Can you understand me?" I asked my boxer.
     "I..." he was trying to answer.
     "Speak to me, Buster. Speak to me."
     "I... I... I'm..."
     "Yes, Buster? What are you trying to say?"
     "I'm hungry."
     And he emphasized his statement by leaving me something on the carpet to clean up that I would have rather not have had to clean up.
     A lot of people in this world feel alone, but there is always someone there looking after us. In O.J. Simpson's wife's case, it was O.J., but that didn't turn out so good, so forget I mentioned it. Myself, I talk to spirits as easily as I'm talking to you, right now.
     "Are you playing with your imaginary friends again?" my wife will lovingly tease me.
     "Shut up, big nose!" I'll lovingly tease her back.
     But my point is, you can do it too! You can learn to open your Third Eye and see a supernatural world filled with potential friends like Bloody Mary and Candyman and Dick Cheney. I will inspire you with my amazing stories and adventures. I will teach you how to harness the Natural Power that can change your life forever. Now...
     How about that $24.95?

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