Thursday, October 3, 2013

ObamaCare 4 Dummies (Part Four)

     "But President Obama, what are the three critical parts of the Affordable Care Act?"
     My friend, why waste your time talking to someone who wouldn't hear you even if you were standing right next to him? You might as well be talking to your teenage son.
     Unlike the way you have to go through a variety of priests, popes, and saints to get what you want in the holy Catholic church, you only have to go through ME to get the information you want.
     "Is the information reliable?" I can hear you asking.
     Well, it's as reliable as I can make up.

The Three Critical Parts
of the
Affordable Care Act

Guaranteed Coverage!

     When I say "guaranteed coverage," I MEAN "guaranteed coverage." That is, unless I don't. I'm confused already, and I've barely begun.
     What I think it means is that not only will you BE ABLE TO enroll in a health insurance plan, but you'll HAVE TO enroll in a health insurance plan. If "guaranteed" means "being forced to," then, yeah, you're guaranteed, buddy.

Cost Assistance!

     If you're worried about how you're going to PAY for all this "guaranteed" insurance, well, keep worrying. The only people who don't have to worry are the rich (who can afford to buy insurance like it was a jar of Grey Poupon) and the poor (who, as usual, will be subsidized by YOU, the American tax-payer). This will be accomplished through tax credits and/or monetary assistance.
     Will YOU receive any of these tax credits and/or monetary assistance?
     Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You sure are funny, amigo.
     But don't hold this against the tired, the poor, or the huddled masses yearning to be free. If the government didn't pick your pocket to help them, then they wouldn't be able to afford their cigs, their booze, and their iPhones.

The Individual Mandate!

     Just what IS "the individual mandate"? Well, the individual mandate requires individuals like you (hence the term "individual") to purchase health insurance, OR ELSE you'll have the IRS come after you, and, trust me, you DON'T want the IRS to come after you.
     "But President Obama, I thought it was against the U.S. Constitution for the government to force its citizens to buy any of anything?"
     Hey, what did I tell you about talking to the President?
     When Obama made the IRS responsible for bleeding the American tax-payer dry when it came to the Affordable Care Act, he essentially made it a tax. At least that's how the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court saw it. Chief Justice Roberts had to perform such contortions to come up with this explanation he could have been a Chinese acrobat. Even the carny geeks were jealous at his lack of shame in coming up with his ruling.
     The theory is that with all of us purchasing health insurance, this will create a larger pool of people to help fund benefits for everyone, and the cost of health insurance will go down as a result. Will the cost of health insurance go down? It'll go down about as much as three of my five ex-wives.
     "What if I fail to get coverage... uh, Mr. Duchene?"
     That's better.
     Failure to buy coverage will result in a harsh penalty that will applied to your federal income tax return, forcing you to fabricate even MORE fake deductions.
     "Will EVERYBODY be required to purchase insurance?"
     You sure do ask a lot of questions, my friend.
     The short answer is this: No.
     If you are a friend of the Obamas, helped him get elected president, or contributed to his Chicago Widows & Orphans Fund, then you are exempt. If you are a member of Congress, then you had the wisdom and foresight to exempt YOURSELF from the Affordable Care Act, the way you usually do with any bad laws you manage to pass between fact-finding trips to the Bahamas. But if you're just a regular American, then this would be a good time to get a second job...
     IF there were any jobs.

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