Friday, April 19, 2013

A Very Special Milestone

More than my close personal friendship with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. More than my Pulitzer Prize, which I once imagined could make for a good bludgeon for an aggravating ex-wife.* Even more than my seven Olympic Gold Medals and one Nobel Peace Prize** for humor. More than all that is this: My 200th post on my Aw, Nuts! blog site. An achievement, I might add, which coincides with another amazing milestone:
     I consider this the greatest accomplishment in my life. A life, I might add, that's been incredibly well-lived. You haven't lived until you've wrestled a bull to the ground on the streets of Pamplona, Spain . Or dodged the bullets of vicious drug lords in the alleys of Juarez, Mexico just for fun. Or caught something that, fortunately, could be cured with a shot of penicillin, in the brothels of Viet Nam with your best friend whose name you can't mention because he's now in a position to sic the IRS on you.
     Somehow, I feel obligated to make this particular posting special in some way. Special for you, and special for me.
     That's why I've decided to use this platform to announce my candidacy for Mayor of El Paso in the coming May elections. I made this decision only recently, after much begging from various local leaders, Mexican drug lords, and the Illuminati, which, for the record, doesn't exist.
     "But I'm not a member of the Masons," I told them.
     "Doesn't matter," they said.
     "I was never in the Skull & Bones," I continued, in the interest of full disclosure.
     "Pish, posh," they assured me, making rude noises with their lips.
     "I once wrote a fictional humor column for the El Paso Times, which was later discredited for being fictitious."
     "The what?"
     To my wife I said, "I've asked God not to do this, but He didn't listen to me."
     "Yeah, well, I've got a headache," my wife said, "so I'm not listening to you either."
     What are my qualifications? you might ask. Well, I don't mean to brag, but, first and foremost, I am not George Bush. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for in life, and not being George Bush is one of them.
     My qualifications are as follows: Isaac Asimov--a close, personal friend of mine who, sadly, died back in... in... well, I can't remember when he died, but I'm sure he's dead, because he's never tried to collect that money I owe him. Anyway...--and myself once had a contest to see who could write the most books, and between the two of us we wrote over 500 books!
     When it comes to political experience, let me remind you that Obama only has 143 days more in the Senate than I do.
     In the 1984 presidential election between Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale, I came in a respectable third. I was only 13 electoral votes away from coming in second. Walter Mondale only won one--ONE--state more than I did.
     And, finally, I'm a minority. That should count for something.
     What will be my platform once I'm elected? Easy. First off, instead of giving benefits to the gay community, I'll legalize gay marriage. This will be a boon to the El Paso economy, and I sincerely believe that the gay community has the right to suffer just as much as the straight community.
     Next, about Downtown parking, as mayor I'll have my own reserved parking spot, so it will no longer be a concern of mine.
     And then I'll get rid of the electoral college, because, as I discovered in 1984, it's not really a college at all. It's more of a trade school for the mentally unambitious. I'll install an election by popular vote, because that's what the majority of people seem to want anyway, and if there's one thing I've learned from my life in politics, it's that you've got to kiss the majority's tukis.
     Do I have the authority to do this? Who cares? I'll do it anyway, just like New York's Mayor Bloomberg.
     Locally, I'll institute a new voting system. We'll go back to paper ballots, and in the ballot there will be a little slot to insert the paper currency of your choice. One dollar will equal one vote. Five dollars will equal five votes. Twenty dollars will equal twenty votes. You get the picture. You've heard the saying, "Put your money where your mouth is"? Well, here is where you'll see it in action. And you'll no longer have to try to remember which school you're supposed to cast your vote at, and then when you get there, find out that it was some place else. I'll place all the voting booths in a spot familiar to all El Pasoans: Chico's Tacos.
     I'll reinstate the draft. Let's get rid of those jerk-hole kids*** who wear their jeans hanging below their butts.**** Do you know what reinstating the draft means? It means more young girls for us older guys. Do you know what it means for those dopey kids who wear pajama bottoms for pants in public? It means they'll have a job, a salary, and work experience that companies can ignore. I'll keep half their salary in the special overseas account I have in the same overseas bank Mitt Romney keeps his money in, and their funds will be returned to them once they are honorably discharged from the armed services. That way they won't re-enter the private sector dead broke, like you after ObamaCare. Another military rule I'll implement is that they won't be able to marry for their first four years of their hitch.
     Unless they're gay.
     What will I do for illegal immigrants? I'll bring back the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy from the Clinton Administration, except I'll call it, Don't Get Caught/Don't Get Deported. I feel a moral obligation to do this, because, after all, who else is going to do my lawn? Will these almost-Americans have the rights and benefits that come with living in the greatest country in the world?
     My abortion compromise is this: You can abort your unborn fetus, as long as you can do it without murdering the unborn baby snuggling lovingly in your belly.
     On the day I'm sworn in as mayor, I will declare the official language of El Paso to be Swedish. In addition to that, all citizens of El Paso will be required to change their underwear every half hour, and they'll have to wear said underwear on the outside, so the EPPD can check. And, furthermore, all 12 year old boys will become 18 year-old boys.
     That's a special favor to the new Pope.
     And, finally, as your mayor, my first order of business will be to save the Asarco Smokestacks and El Paso's City Hall from being destroyed.
     They were imploded this past weekend?

Vote Jim Edward Duchene
Your Write-In Candidate
For Mayor

American Chimpanzee

*An aggravating ex-wife who, I must add, suddenly had to move back to the foreign country she came from, and was never heard from again.
     I wish her well.

**Which, incidentally, makes for a good doorstop.
***Unless they have rich parents.

****When Justin Bieber wears his pants below his butt, you know the fad is dead.

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