Saturday, April 13, 2013

The News From El Paso

I'll begin my commentary on the news from El Paso, by talking about the man who once saved my life in 'Nam, President Obama. I can't tell you how proud I am of him.
     "Why?" you ask.
     Hey, how about you let me do the reporting here.
     The reason I'm so proud of my old brother-in-arms is that he's returning a whopping 5% of his salary back to the United States Treasury. So, for all you Obama-haters out there, let me do the math for you: Instead of being paid $400 thousand, he'll only be paid $380 thousand. It's a testimony to his superior monetary abilities that he's able to afford to send his girls to the Bahamas for Spring Break. If he can do that with his money, imagine what he can do with yours.
     Now why would a loving, caring, responsible parent send his underage daughters to the Bahamas where there's a gaggle of drunken college students celebrating their drunkenness and looking to get lucky? Especially when the U.S. economy is still in the toilet, and millions of Americans are losing their jobs, their homes, their como se llama?
     How about you just mind your own business.
     Cancer clinics across the country have begun turning away thousands of Medicare patients, blaming the sequester cuts. I asked various members of Congress why the sequester doesn't downsize their perks and benefits.
     "Ha, don't make us laugh," they laughed.
     Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel told the Pentagon to brace for further cuts in spending, and said that the military needs to make fundamental changes in the way it operates to cope with new fiscal realities.
     "With North Korea threatening to attack us with nuclear missiles," Hagel explained, "this is the perfect time to downsize our military."
     "But, Secretary Hagel, why don't we just downsize our politicians instead?"
     "Ha, don't make me laugh," he laughed.
     The first results from the Alpha Magnetic Spectrometer--a $2 billion, 7.5-ton instrument--which is aboard the international space station, have offered support for the theory that exotic dark matter might exist, but not that it actually does exists. Hey, give me two billion dollars, and I can come up with the same conclusion.
     Good news, folks! In a report from the Labor Department it was revealed that the United States has gained eighty-eight thousand new jobs. If you can say, "Do you want fries with that?" then you're set for life, my friend.
     Up in Santa Fe, New Mexico there was a story about an ex-shoe-salesman who tried to cut off the big toe of his girlfriend with a cigar cutter. He had previously been accused of biting off part of her toe, in, what one can only assume to be a passionate moment of toe-sucking. It was the third attack by Daniel Anaya, 27, on his now former girlfriend, who had moved to Albuquerque and had obtained a restraining order against Anaya after two previous toe-biting incidents. First off, if a girl moves to another city to get away from you, then the relationship is over, buddy. Accept it. And, secondly, Anaya's ex-girlfriend's TOES should have taken out that restraining order. When Anaya attacked her with the cigar cutter, she was able to fight him off with a fork. Man, if you can be fought off with a fork, then you just don't want it bad enough.
     Tango Blast, a prison gang that's considered to be this state's biggest threat with over 10,000 members, surpassing the Texas Mexican Mafia, a fierce Jewish gang (What? Did you think they were Hispanic? That's because you're a racist.). At least that was the conclusion according to the Texas Gang Threat Assessment report released by the Texas Department of Public Safety. If you want my opinion, how threatening can a gang be, when it's named after a flavor of Gatorade?
     Anne Smedinghoff, 25, was murdered in Afghanistan by fanatical traitors to the Muslim faith. What makes this newsworthy, is that she's the first American Diplomat to die in the job, since last year's attack in Benghazi.
     "Ben who?" I hear you asking yourself.
     Three soldiers and three civilians were also murdered. Smedinghoff was part of a small group on their way to donate books to an Afghan school, when the attack occurred.
     When are we going to learn to mind our own business, and why do we continue to send our women to a part of the world that hates women? Ms. Connie Lingus, a representative for the National Organization for Women (N.O.W.), had this to say about the continuing violence and subjugation of women in the Middle East: "I was assured that the Muslim terrorists who committed this heinous act consider these deaths a form of late-term abortion, so, from a pro-choice standpoint, we have no problem with it."
     And, finally, in a local story, a motorist called 911 on his cell phone to report 34 year-old Mark Luna, who is an El Paso man, and was asleep at the wheel of his car, engine running, and with his foot on the brake. Essentially stopped in one of I-10's westbound travel lanes.
     When the police arrived, they gently woke him up and sent him on his way. They then immediately arrested the good Samaritan who made the 911 call, for using a cell phone while driving. After taking him to jail, they bravely returned to work ticketing speeders.

American Chimpanzee

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