Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dear John (4-25-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie

Dear John,
     I need help, and I don't know where to turn. I am divorced and have a 37 year-old son who has never married. He lives on his own, except when he's in trouble. Then he moves back in with me.
     The problem is my son is a liar, and has been ever since he was a teenager. He even lies when telling the truth would be better for him. I punished him every way I knew how when he was growing up, but nothing worked.
     My son has been in trouble with the law, and is now in trouble again. Of course, he tells me he's innocent. I got him out on bond, and offered to get him help, but he refused, so I told him there would be no more money from me, and I no longer want to hear his lies. And then he talked me out of an additional hundred for lunch "and expenses."
     I don't know why he's the way he is. He's extremely good-looking, and women constantly swoon over him. He'll end up using them, and then dumping them. Please tell me what to do. I love my son, and it breaks my heart see him do these bad things.

Dear Heartbroken,
     Sounds to me like your son has a future in politics.

Dear John,
     My father recently moved to an apartment with no storage, and I was left with ten large boxes of memorabilia. Going through these boxes brought many tears of remembrance and new insights into the lives of my parents and grandparents.
     My problem is now what to do with these things. I can scan the pictures and the letters, but what about great-grandma's wedding dress, mother's christening gown, and the dear soft curl of hair from my childhood uncle who taught me the "find-the-candy" game?
     I don't have much storage room, and my children told me that they certainly want "that old junk," yet it doesn't seem right to throw them away.
     What do other people do with treasured items that have no value beyond sentiment?

Dear Soft-hearted,
     They throw it out.

Dear John,
     My wife and I are having a disagreement about laundry. When you buy new clothes that are still in the plastic wrapping, should you wash them before you wear them?

Dear Curious,
     Why do you bother me with such nonsense?
Confidential to Too Many Questions:
When your child asks why it's raining, you can answer, "Because God is crying," and when she asks why God is crying, you can tell her, "It's because of something you did."

American Chimpanzee

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