Monday, June 17, 2013

ALL You Can Eat

There's a study out that says humans, as a species, are living longer, but are fatter and less healthy.
     "Could this be true?" I wondered.
     I decided to find out for myself, so I called one of my ex-wives for a series of tests. She showed up at my house finishing off a bucket of the Colonel's finest. I opened the door to find her using a drumstick like a toothpick. She stored the rest of the bones for later.
     "They make good soup," she explained.
     She lumbered inside the house, and I explained to her what I wanted to do and why. She agreed enthusiastically.
     I tossed her a fish.
     The first thing I had her do was sit on my scooter. The engine was running, but as soon as she sat on it I could no longer hear the rumbling of the motor. Hmmm, that was interesting.
     "Okay," I told her, "you can get off it now."
     She did, but the scooter was no longer there. Like a magician, she had made it disappear. She didn't seem to notice.
     "Um... I just need to ask you a few questions," I stammered, "and we'll be done."
     "Can we do that over lunch or something?" she asked me. "I'm famished! Sitting on a scooter is hard work."
     I looked in my refrigerator. Then at her. Then in my pantry. Then at her. I decided to take her to a restaurant.
     "How about a buffet?" I asked her, noticing that she was eyeing my dog hungrily, so I tossed her a fish. "An all-you-can-eat buffet."
     That got her attention. The first restaurant we went to refused to let us in. So did the second. At the third, she told me to go inside and pay first.
     "If they ask you anything," she instructed me, "tell them I'm parking the car."
     So I did. When the owner of the restaurant saw her, he realized that he had been outsmarted.
     "No, no, no!" he tried to say, hands waving wildly in front of him in an effort to wave us away. She wasn't budging. It was the irresistible force against the immovable object.
     "It's too late," she informed him. "We've already paid. I know the law!"
      The owner began to cry.
     He looked over at the hostess and told her, "Tell the cook to add more MSG." He looked at my ex again, and then added, "As much as we got."
     My ex leaned near me, and whispered in my ear, "Oooh, I love MSG."
     The owner excused himself to go lock himself in his office. I thought I heard a loud bang, but I couldn't be sure. That noise could have just as easily come from the scooter's exhaust pipe, if you get my drift.
     We sat ourselves, and then we served ourselves, and then we talked as we ate.
     "Did you know," I asked her, "that according to a recent study, people are living longer?"
     "Oh," she said. "I don't like that. That's bad news."
     "It is?"
     "Sure, it is. People living longer equals more people. More people equals less food for me."
     "You know, I never thought about it that way," I told her.
     "Sure, just look at all the different food islands. The lines of people waiting to serve themselves have never been this long before."
     I looked around. It was true. The lines were pretty long. I looked at the cashier. The line was long there, too.
     "So, what do we do?" I asked her.
     I noticed her food input had begun to slow down. Maybe it was all that MSG she had consumed. She had eaten enough to poison a small African village.
     "You know, Jim," she told me, changing the subject somewhat, "I had a dream last night. I dreamt I went to an all-you-can-eat buffet. When I was done, I tried to get up, but found myself strapped to my chair. 'The sign says ALL you can eat,' the evil restaurant owner laughed, and began stuffing even more food in my mouth. I had no choice but to eat, so I ate and ate. My body expanded like a ballon being filled with water, bigger and bigger, until one more mouthful would have made me burst. That's when the crazy owner got off my chest, and put down the toilet plunger he was using to force food down my gullet. 'Okay,' he said, unstrapping me. 'I guess that is all you can eat.' I got up, wobbled a little bit on my feet, and walked over to the cashier to pay my bill. In a little tray by the cash register were some chocolate after-dinner mints. Well, who can resist an after-dinner mint? So I got one, unwrapped it, put it in my mouth... and I EXPLODED!"
     She paused, digesting her dream wistfully.
     "What a great dream," she said.
     She sat there, with a dreamy look in her eyes. I didn't know what to say... I tossed her a fish.

American Chimpanzee

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