Even More Rumsfeld's Rules
1) Who's this "Ben Ghazi" I keep hearing so much about?
2) People think Dick Cheney was the real power behind the throne in the Bush administration, but I'm here to tell you... Bush was the man in charge. And I'm not just saying that because Cheney told me to.
3) Remember: It's pinch the nose, and then cover the mouth.
4) You'd be surprise at how easily a person's ear tears off their head.
5) In the western days, you could kill your wife, say she died from TB, and that would be the end of that.
6) Do me a favor, casually look over my shoulder... is there somebody following me?
7) Being careful is not the same thing as being paranoid.
8) Instead of taking Omega-3 supplements, try attaching a fish directly onto your arm.
9) The number 666? That's just an unfortunate birth mark.
10) Some people say I have no soul. Of course I do. The Devil's just taking care of it for me, is all.
11) You have nothing to fear, but fear itself. And me.
12) It pays to know where a man's jugular vein is.
13) There's no greater satisfaction than hunting another man. I mean, hunting with another man. Yeah, that's what I meant.
14) If you're drunk, then it doesn't count.
15) I've never had sex with a man. (I mean, Justin Bieber's not a man, right?)
16) You know that trick where a magician fires a gun at his partner, and his partner catches the bullet between his teeth? Well, I need a new partner.
17) When God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and then, at the last second, stopped him... that's when I lost all respect for God.
18) Gilligan's Island? Why don't they make quality television like that anymore?
19) If you tied to kill me by driving a stake through my heart, you'd be wasting your time. I got rid of it years ago.
20) Am I saying I don't have a heart? Damn skippy! I got rid of that nuisance years ago.
21) I don't see anything wrong with drinking baby's blood to stay alive.
22) Man up and tell your snot-nosed little tax-deductions that there's no Santa Claus.
23) I told my kids right from the start that there was no Santa Claus. "Then who brings us our toys?" "Satan!"
24) You know those movies where Santa Claus exists, but adults don't believe in him? How can they not believe in him? He's right there, you putz!
25) Some people, when they want to get rid of a body, chop it up into little pieces. That's too much work. That's why I have dogs.