Still More Rumsfeld's Rules
1) If I have seen far, it's because I have stood on the shoulders of giants... and bashed in their heads with a club.
2) When you think about it, just what are baby seals good for anyway?
3) I never said Hitler was right, I just said he had a good idea, was all.
4) Don't look directly into my eyes. It's safer that way.
5) Can somebody get me Jodi Arias's phone number?
6) I'm proud to say that, unlike Jeffrey Dahmer, I've never eaten human flesh.
7) If somebody else reaches for that last drumstick of chicken, it's perfectly all right to stab them in the hand with your fork.
8) Dork? No, I said, "fork." Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
9) If you don't want your roommate to think you're queer, stay on your side of the shower.
10) At an orgy, it's bad manners to talk with your mouth full.
11) I've found that bleach does the best job of getting rid of stubborn blood stains.
12) DNA can link any man to any crime he may have committed. Thank God I wasn't born with any DNA.
13) It's okay for a man to cry. As long as that man doesn't mind me calling him a pathetic little crybaby.
14) If someone doesn't want to do things your way, rip off their ear and show it to them. You'll be amazed at how quickly they change their mind.
15) There are easier ways to kill a man than skinning him alive.
16) I've never met Larry King, but I like to imagine myself having sex with him.
17) Take it from me, popping a man's eyeballs out of their sockets will take the fight right out of him.
18) The greatest poet of the 20th century is Luther Campbell from Two Live Crew.
19) God gave a man ten fingers so you can cut one finger off, and he'll still have nine more opportunities to change his mind.
20) For the record, I never said I admired the Ku Klux Klan. What I said was, I wonder how they get their sheets so white.
21) Some people said that in my last book I re-wrote history. That's why those people are dead.
22) Some people think Dick Cheney was the real power behind the throne in the Bush Administration, but I'm here to tell you Bush was the guy in charge. And I'm not just saying that because Cheney told me to.
23) Remember, it's pinch the nose and then cover the mouth.
24) I always leave my front door open. I like to encourage intruders.
25) Is it bragging for me to say I use Magnum condoms?