No More Rumsfeld's Rules
1) It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the dick on the dog in the fight..
2) Katie Couric and Rachel Ray. Now that's two tons of fun!
3) I'm not saying I have a big ego. I'm just saying it graduated from high school a year before I did.
4) Before you release your sex-tape, make sure you get the other person's permission first.
5) Those Georgia O'Keefe flower paintings have always reminded me of something, but I've never been able to put my finger on it.
6) Always keep a gun in your pocket in case someone asks you, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
7) Sure, the smell of napalm in the morning might remind you of victory, but it's nothing compared to the smell of a decomposing body.
8) When I'm bored, I like to call up Colin Powell and ask him if his refrigerator's running.
9) I like my coffee like I like my... wait a minute, let me rephrase that.
10) There's no shame in performing a homosexual act. The shame comes afterward.
11) For the record, the Virgin Mary was a bit of a nag. After all, didn't she ride Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem?
12) At my age, I can no longer pick up hot, young girls. That's why I abduct them.
13) A pick-up line that's always worked for me is: "Scream, and I'll shoot."
14) My wife never forgave me for the children we had that I killed and ate.
15) My biggest regret in life is that I never put Dick Cheney down like the rabid dog he was.
16) I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
17) A nice fire will warm your cockles, as well as get rid of all the evidence.
18) If you hear breathing, you need to squeeze a little tighter.
19) Just where are these "shadows" that the illegal Mexicans are hiding in? The government can't find them. The IRS can't find them. The NSA, the CIA, the FBI, and UPS can't find them. The "shadows" is where I want to live.
20) You know that song I Hate Everything by George Strait? I know how he feels.
21) When you drown someone, always hold their head under water a minute longer than you think you need to. They could be faking.
22) What do I call Michael Vick when he leaves the room? An amateur.
23) If there's a job you don't want to do, hire an illegal alien. And when they're done, instead of paying them, call Immigration.
24) Nature abhors a vacuum. And so does Hillary Clinton.
25) For the record, it's not true that I didn't go to Viet Nam. I went there for the whores.