Monday, June 3, 2013

I AM The 47%

Ever since I've decided to become part of Romney's infamous 47%, I must admit... I don't know why I didn't do this sooner!
     I've spent my whole life working hard for what I have, and, trust me, you don't know what hard work is until you've overthrown a foreign government. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing. Just the money I've hidden in the same overseas banks Romney keeps his money in.*
     It's like those homeless people who die, and when the authorities go through their belongings to see what they can "confiscate," they find tens of thousands of dollars hidden in the grocery carts they call home.
     Let me tell you, money that you have to hide is like not having any money at all.
     Why, just the cost of my children's college alone has nearly driven me to the poor house. Of course, the car would be a Cadillac and the house would be in Beverly Hills, but you get the idea.
     Being an "independent contractor" for the United States government pays well, but it won't make you rich. You have to go into politics for that.
     Now, my children go to college for free!
     My youngest daughter, she just went to the orthodontist for braces. Five thousand one hundred dollars it was going to cost me.
     "I'm one of the 47%," I told them.
     "No charge," they told me.
     My house payments? Paid for. Maid and lawn service? Paid for.**** I even have the internet, Netflix, and an ObamaPhone.
     I collect unemployment, even though I've never actually held a legitimate job my entire life. How do I accomplish this? Well, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I find a job, immediately get fired for not showing up to that job, and then I collect unemployment for myself for the next six months. Maybe more.*****
     My car's paid for. So's my gas. How? Well, how else am I supposed to go look for a job? How is it that the Democrats understand that simple fact, and you don't? This summer, I plan on looking for a job in Paris, with my lovely wife.
     She's one of the 47%. too.
     Life's gotten a lot sweeter since I've decided to stop being a tax-payer, and started being a tax-receiver. You know, like Congress.
     Why did I do this? Well, here's a little lesson about life, my friend: Why stop to smell the roses, when you can stop and let the government pay you for smelling the roses? In other words, if you find yourself in the middle of a riot... join the rioters! Why would you want to be a part of the crowd who gets beaten up and robbed?
     I used to pull out my hair at the end of every month trying to figure out how to pay my bills. Now I don't have to pay anything.
     The electric company came by the other day to either collect what I owed them or turn off my electricity.
     "I'm one of the 47%," I told them.
     "Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place?" they told me, and simply moved my name from one column on their clip board to another, and now I can use as much electricity as I want. Same with water. We're in the middle of a drought, but I can waste as much of the limited fluid as I want, and nobody cares? It's been reported that El Paso will run out of water in less than twenty years. Do I care? No. I'll just move to San Francisco where they really know how to treat the 47%. Especially the homeless 47%.  
     All this leeching off the government is hard work, and sometimes I need some stress relief.******
     "Feel like getting lucky tonight, sweetheart?" I ask my lovely wife.
     "Not tonight," she tells me. "I have a headache."
     "But I'm one of the 47%."
     "Go tell it to Obama," she said, so I did.
     Did you know the government will cover the cost for your sex therapists? Well, it does.

*Sayonara, Mubarek.
**Don't judge me. I'm not running for President.  
***Which I tried once, but when I snapped my opponent's neck during a heated debate... well, let's just say that ended my political ambitions.
****Ow! My aching back!*
*****Go, Obama!
******Doctor visits? Paid for, suckers!

*(Heh, heh.)

American Chimpanzee

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