Tuesday, June 11, 2013

More Rumsfeld's Rules

More Rumsfeld's Rules

     1) If you don't like someone, hide a dead fish in their car. It'll drive them nuts trying to figure out where that awful smell is coming from.

     2) I'm not saying I killed Jimmy Hoffa. I'm just saying mine was the last face he ever saw.

     3) If God knows everything, then, boy, am I in trouble.

     4) To properly crack open someone's head with a hammer, make sure you use enough force. It's not as easy as you might think.

     5) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're a dead man.

     6) When you drink tea, don't forget to lift your little pinky.

     7) Am I a man who dreamed I was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming I am a man? No, I'm just a man who enjoys killing butterflies.

     8) I saw a movie where James Cagney shoved a grapefruit into a woman's face. Now, that's how you treat a woman.

     9) For the record, it's not a good idea to dry your pet cat in the microwave.

     10) Go ahead and let your baby eat a habanero chili pepper. It'll teach the little bugger a good lesson.

     11) I like to kill things with my bare hands just before I go to bed. It puts me in the mood, if you get my drift.

     12) I don't care what anyone says, Shemp was the funniest Stooge.

     13) Internal organs? Who needs 'em?

     14) Politics is easy. Smiling is hard.

     15) I think I've got this "acting human" thing down pat.

     16) Isn't it amazing that your hands fit so naturally around another person's neck?

     17) It's been my experience that it's best not to listen to your parents. They'll say anything to keep you from killing them.

     18) There's a perfectly good reason why you never see me with my wife. Having said that, how about you just mind your own damn business.

     19) It's difficult to get water at just the right temperature to scald, but not leave any lasting marks.

     20) The early bird gets the worm. I like worms.

     21) What are YOU looking at?

     22) I'm for illegal immigration. Illegals make good targets.

     23) Were there aliens in Roswell? Not after I got done with them.

     24) Indians didn't invent scalping. White men did that. Yeah, good times.

     25) Whatever you do, DON'T dishonor your country. That's MY job.

American Chimpanzee

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