You see, Rumsfeld took an instant dislike to me the first time his eyes met mine. I think it had something to do with my friendship with President Bush, but I can't really say for sure.
The first time Rumsfeld and I met, he had called me into his office for a private one-on-one meeting about concocting a plausible scenario for invading Afghanistan. This was back in January of the year 2000. I confidently walked into his office and plopped myself down on the leather-bound, burgundy colored chair positioned perfectly in front of the desk he was sitting behind.
My mistake. He hadn't ordered me to.
"I don't recall telling you that you could sit," he snarled.
What was I? A dog?
"You didn't," I answered him back, "but you strike me as the kind of man who doesn't like to waste a perfectly good chair."
When he found out Bush and I were frat brothers at Faber College for the Delta Tau Chi fraternity, well, that sealed my fate. I was persona non gordita in his eyes.
So it came as a surprise when he reached out to me to help him with his latest book ("Just make sure it eats a lot of pages."). After all, he didn't ask for my help with his memoir, Known And Unknown, and we all know what a snooze-fest that one turned out to be.
I think I did a formidable job, considering what I had to work with, but what I found most interesting were the "rules" he decided to leave out.
Judge for yourself.
1) Don't look too closely at me. I appear more human that way.
2) Oh, how I envy the Tin Man.
3) Girls? Boys? It makes no never mind to me.
4) A close shave is a beautiful thing. If you can talk her into it.
5) Don't worry about the Secret Service. They're trained not to "see" anything.
6) Scented candles are good at masking the odor of Preparation H.
7) I once kissed Mick Jagger. Don't worry, it was the 60's and I thought he was a girl. Anyway, if you're going to kiss a guy, make sure his lips are as soft as Mick Jagger's. It was like kissing two big, fluffy pillows.
8) If you murder someone, make sure you bury the body DEEP.
9) If you're going to steal, steal from someone who can't do anything about it. Like the American tax-payer.
10) Don't use too much cocaine. It won't let you "cross the finish line" in the bedroom, if you get my drift.
11) Colin Powell's a punk, and Donald Rumsfeld don't truck with no punks.
12) The only man I've ever feared was Dick Cheney.
13) God forgives. I don't.
14) Women are a dime a dozen. At least my mom was.
15) The only woman I've ever loved was the Octomom.
16) When you're being followed, pretend you don't notice, then, at the first opportunity, snap their neck like a twig.
17) If Hillary Clinton invites you to her house for a home-cooked meal, don't eat her "special" cucumber salad. Trust me on this.
18) I don't like Jehovah Witnesses because I don't like any witnesses.
19) If you ever hug an underaged girl, just make sure you get her parent's approval first.
20) Hitler? He wasn't such a bad guy.
21) When it comes to getting jiggy with it, learn to hold your breath for... well, you know.
22) When I pick-up a girl at a bar, I like to check her "package" before I take her home. I don't like "surprise parties."
23) I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Not really. I just always wanted to say that.
24) When you think about it, water-boarding actually sounds fun. Cowabunga, baby!
25) What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps knows how to finish a race.